I was a fool when i had a good girl to date. I was very foolish.
I will leave it at that.
I must say that im not sure if I will ever know what it is like to find "that person". I know what it is like to find someone that you can settle for. I know what it is like to be rejected. I know what it is like to like someone that doesnt like you back. I know what it is like to have someone like you when you dont like them.
I dont believe love exists in japan. Not romantic love. At least in my situation. It seems "love" is a decision based on wiether my life will improve should i choose to be with you. If that improvement is not quantifiable, then there is no love. Maybe im being a skeptical 33 yr old. But in my eyes, peoples dating choices almost exclusively are determined by improvement in "social status".
I just remember being younger and believing that "love" was this incredible, supernatural entity. And uncontrollable force that could conquer anything.
and it is, but not romantic love. Love for the fellow human being.
I substitute my need for love with a woman with love for kids. I pour it into basketball and teaching now.
But there was a time when i loved a particular person in a way they i cant quantify with words. It consumed me. And now that i dont really talk to her anymore and i can step back from it and see objectively, it was both a very good thing and a very bad thing.
When i was in that relationship, i needed people. I needed her. I was dependent. I had a weak spot. That was the bad part. The part that i couldnt control. Now without that dependency, i am truely independent and self-sufficient. I have surpised myself with how i can deal with Christmases and Birthdays alone.
It doesnt hurt anymore and i know that means i am getting stronger.
Heartbreak does that to you. Of course in this situation, it may have in fact been my own recklessness as a young man that costed me someone who was one very near and dear to me.
We must take life as it comes and make the best of what it is. Enjoy today, value those people that are most important to you and remember the feelings of others first.
words of wisdom from a single 33 year old man.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
What id like for Christmas.
Id like my mother's stuffing and sweet potato pie.
Id like to see Barry Sanders playing football again.
Id like to hear my mother cooking Christmas dinner early in the morning.
Id like to get a Christmas present from someone in my family.
Id like all the troops in the Middle east to come home.
Id like to feel love from my family.
Id like to be in naive love again.
Id like to see the NBA go back to calling travelling and carrying again.
Id like to see my mother sitting on the coach in her jogging suit drinking egg nog.
Id like to get presents without feeling like i owe anyone.
Id like someone to know what I want or need for a present.
Id like to cuddle by the fireplace.
Id like my gifts to be appreciated for thoughtfulness and not price.
Id like to forget having my heart broken.
Id like every child in the world to know happiness for just a day.
Id like my family to fix the rifts that time and incident have caused.
Id like to spend a lot of time with my brother.
Id like to have a place to call "home".
Its interesting when you dont have a place like that anymore. No place to call home. It changes you. It makes you hard. It makes you put up with less garbage from family. I miss home.
Learning to live without "home" has been the challenge of my life. Its like an uprooted plant floating in the sea. you have the roots to plant yourself into good soil, but the soil that you were planted in to grow in the beginning is no where to be found. as a plant, you have to adapt to floating in the currents of the world, or die.
I have to forget Thankgiving and I have to forget Christmas. Forget what they were. What they meant to me. How much i loved them.
I am getting closer to that, yet everytime around this time of year, i cant help but remember how good it felt being at Lacksbur Terrace and Coach House Dr. on those special days.
Dreams pass in time. Just a little bit longer and i will forget. I try hard everyday to remember how much i loved them less, and forget how good i felt on those days more.
Or continue to wait for a love that will remind me all over again.
Id like to see Barry Sanders playing football again.
Id like to hear my mother cooking Christmas dinner early in the morning.
Id like to get a Christmas present from someone in my family.
Id like all the troops in the Middle east to come home.
Id like to feel love from my family.
Id like to be in naive love again.
Id like to see the NBA go back to calling travelling and carrying again.
Id like to see my mother sitting on the coach in her jogging suit drinking egg nog.
Id like to get presents without feeling like i owe anyone.
Id like someone to know what I want or need for a present.
Id like to cuddle by the fireplace.
Id like my gifts to be appreciated for thoughtfulness and not price.
Id like to forget having my heart broken.
Id like every child in the world to know happiness for just a day.
Id like my family to fix the rifts that time and incident have caused.
Id like to spend a lot of time with my brother.
Id like to have a place to call "home".
Its interesting when you dont have a place like that anymore. No place to call home. It changes you. It makes you hard. It makes you put up with less garbage from family. I miss home.
Learning to live without "home" has been the challenge of my life. Its like an uprooted plant floating in the sea. you have the roots to plant yourself into good soil, but the soil that you were planted in to grow in the beginning is no where to be found. as a plant, you have to adapt to floating in the currents of the world, or die.
I have to forget Thankgiving and I have to forget Christmas. Forget what they were. What they meant to me. How much i loved them.
I am getting closer to that, yet everytime around this time of year, i cant help but remember how good it felt being at Lacksbur Terrace and Coach House Dr. on those special days.
Dreams pass in time. Just a little bit longer and i will forget. I try hard everyday to remember how much i loved them less, and forget how good i felt on those days more.
Or continue to wait for a love that will remind me all over again.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Solitude.
Id have to say, for the greater part of my time in Japan, i had great difficulty adjusting to the sheer amount of time i spent alone. Sundays in particular were relatively lonely days as no work, no basketball practice and that most people use that day for family. Now that i have had more time, i am not only getting to where i can handle the time alone, but i am starting to enjoy it...without alcohol.
I admit, i have my issues with alcohol. I have my mental battles. Im sure im not the only one, nor do i feel like a victim. But i also noticed that no one really took the time to notice my difficulty and that of course sent be into further solitude. Now that i have had a chance to get to where i enjoy the solitude, i find it hard to go the other way. I can be around people and enjoy myself, but more and more i find that after about an hour or so of it, i want to go back to being alone.
I dont see anything wrong with it either. Its all about the path that we walk. If i had some from a very strong loving, interconnected family, i would be more needy of the connections that family brings. Instead, i come from a family they is "connected by the family title". What that really means is that in my family, it is very easy for people to go a month without talking to a certain family member. Im not saying that is good or bad, it just is the case. Even moreso, it is hard to go back to being a super close interconnected family after years of such a situation.
In other words, my adjustment to enjoying solitude has been a necessary evolution for me. You must adapt to survive. I have adapted and i like the way i have adapted. i dont like the idea of being fake to have many people like me. I by nature am grumpy about alot of things. First of which, life without my mother being here for the holidays. about being short. about how people deal with me and my blackness. About the rarety of communication from family. about the country my home is becoming. about the garbage that surrounds us on tv and on the radio. about the lies i read in the news on a daily basis. about people not caring about things bigger than trivial garbage like fashion, music, tv shows and blackberries. about people turning on president Obama after a year. The list is long.
Im just a person who doesnt want to have to hide my dissatisfaction. I want to be free to express my displeasure at people hating on Pres. Obama, even if it costs me "friendship". My freedom to express my opinion is much more important to me than is having friends call me all day all week asking me to do stuff. And so i spend time in solitude...
...working on how i should think about myself, about people, about the world. Thinking about what i can do. How i can control my feelings.
I assure everyone, i was not alone in creating this "monster". It took years of struggling alone without help. It took many moments of private sadness. It took people walking away from me when i needed them most. It took heartbreak and repeated rejection.
So now at 33, what happens? I really like the person i have become. Very guarded. Very aware. Very caring. Less sensitive of how people think about or view me. Very independent. and mostly, very comfortable with who i am.
Time in Japan has be a great teacher for me. I was like a gullable, naive catepillar coming here and i have opened up into a "butterfly" very secure in who he is, what he chooses to do, and how much (or little) he wants from grown people.
I feel it is my mission in life to teach children that they should not be LIKE the adults they know, but be BETTER more complete adults. Adults that tell the truth, that dont cheat on their mates,that are considerate of others, that judge by character and not height or skin color, that arent bullies, that believe hard work and not cunning is the way to success, that even the down and out deserve sympathy and understanding...because goodness knows, these are not things they learn from watching the adults running the world now.
I admit, i have my issues with alcohol. I have my mental battles. Im sure im not the only one, nor do i feel like a victim. But i also noticed that no one really took the time to notice my difficulty and that of course sent be into further solitude. Now that i have had a chance to get to where i enjoy the solitude, i find it hard to go the other way. I can be around people and enjoy myself, but more and more i find that after about an hour or so of it, i want to go back to being alone.
I dont see anything wrong with it either. Its all about the path that we walk. If i had some from a very strong loving, interconnected family, i would be more needy of the connections that family brings. Instead, i come from a family they is "connected by the family title". What that really means is that in my family, it is very easy for people to go a month without talking to a certain family member. Im not saying that is good or bad, it just is the case. Even moreso, it is hard to go back to being a super close interconnected family after years of such a situation.
In other words, my adjustment to enjoying solitude has been a necessary evolution for me. You must adapt to survive. I have adapted and i like the way i have adapted. i dont like the idea of being fake to have many people like me. I by nature am grumpy about alot of things. First of which, life without my mother being here for the holidays. about being short. about how people deal with me and my blackness. About the rarety of communication from family. about the country my home is becoming. about the garbage that surrounds us on tv and on the radio. about the lies i read in the news on a daily basis. about people not caring about things bigger than trivial garbage like fashion, music, tv shows and blackberries. about people turning on president Obama after a year. The list is long.
Im just a person who doesnt want to have to hide my dissatisfaction. I want to be free to express my displeasure at people hating on Pres. Obama, even if it costs me "friendship". My freedom to express my opinion is much more important to me than is having friends call me all day all week asking me to do stuff. And so i spend time in solitude...
...working on how i should think about myself, about people, about the world. Thinking about what i can do. How i can control my feelings.
I assure everyone, i was not alone in creating this "monster". It took years of struggling alone without help. It took many moments of private sadness. It took people walking away from me when i needed them most. It took heartbreak and repeated rejection.
So now at 33, what happens? I really like the person i have become. Very guarded. Very aware. Very caring. Less sensitive of how people think about or view me. Very independent. and mostly, very comfortable with who i am.
Time in Japan has be a great teacher for me. I was like a gullable, naive catepillar coming here and i have opened up into a "butterfly" very secure in who he is, what he chooses to do, and how much (or little) he wants from grown people.
I feel it is my mission in life to teach children that they should not be LIKE the adults they know, but be BETTER more complete adults. Adults that tell the truth, that dont cheat on their mates,that are considerate of others, that judge by character and not height or skin color, that arent bullies, that believe hard work and not cunning is the way to success, that even the down and out deserve sympathy and understanding...because goodness knows, these are not things they learn from watching the adults running the world now.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Fall tourney 3rd place.
Kasuya gun runner up 2007
Chikuzen tourney appreance 2007
7th grade tourney champs 2008
Kasuya gun fall tourney 3rd place 2009
As hard as I am on myself, i must say I am semi-pleased looking at my accomplishments in my first 3 years of coaching basketball. Semi-pleased.
So we were able to finish in third place after pushing the best team in Kasuya gun to a semi-close 10 point game. Its amazing. The longer i coach, the more harshly i critique myself. And ofcourse, the more i learn about how to do the job. There are i think 3 elements to coaching at this level. 1) Team atmosphere 2) Recruitment 3) Motivation.
Team atmosphere is the correct balance of disipline and fun. I see some coaches go overboard with their hard disipline at the middle school level. You can only yell so much I think, to be effective at the level. To much yelling has kids scared to make plays and makes the either 1) tune you out or 2) play too stiff. I constantly remind myself that my job is not so much to win games as it is to develop talent. At this level, talent almost always beats stategy.
Recruiting WITHIN THE SCHOOL is important. I dont agree with kids commuting more than an hour to go to school. But getting kids involved with the club is very important. Good example. One game this past weekend was a game against a team of all 7th graders who had play on the same junior basketball team for at least 3 years. Their play was very seemless and surely they will be a force to deal with down the road. On our side, 3 kids that played junior basketball together were in the game with a 8th grader who moved from Kagoshima who had never played basketball until a year ago and a 7th grader who first picked up a basketball some 5 months ago.
It was a close game, which we won, but what i think was most important about this was that the 3 kids with skill had to learn to evolve their game to include the less experienced players. And the less experienced players had to understand how important their defense was. With them all working together, it gave a new group of kids the chance to enjoy the euphoria of basketball, even having limited skill. This was possible only by an open, friendly recruiting approach. The Kasuya Higashi program went from 15+ in 2006 to 14 in 2007 to 9 in 2008. I knew last year that a bad recruiting year would all but end the basketball program, so i let the kids do something very creative at the school recuritment assembaly.
I wish i could have seen it, but certainly it was very funny. One kid tied on a blindfold and made a free throw. One kid hit (or tried to hit) a three from near half court. One kid crossed over 2 kids who pretended they broke their ankles. Whatever they did, it got 11 kids into the basketball club. And thus, a new group of kids enter the basketball stage. As i watch schools stuggle with numbers, i have to remind myself that even though these kids are new to basketball, I have kids available to teach. That is a wonderful feeling.
Motivating kids isnt as hard as it may seem. Honestly, disiplining kids isnt either. They have to understand 1) the coach knows more than they do 2) the coach is looking out for their best interests 3) the coach has the same goal as the kids, to win. When kids figure this out, it all but eliminates the need to yell. Kids have to understand how beautiful it is, how good it feels to be able to count on someone else to have your back. They have to know why defense is most important. I find the key to this is give kids opportunities to succeed.
I wasnt really given a chance to succeed in high school. Im not sure why things went as they did, but my problem in school was my desire to be a good passer/playmaker and not being willing to shoot the ball. I needed a coach that would run a play for me in the first quarter so i could see the ball go in. A coach that would tell me/order me to shoot a shot. What it got was benched on a team that lost alot without having a true chance to see if i could do it at a high level.
So now, when i see a kid struggling with defense, i understand that i can motivate him several ways as opposed to just writing him of. My job is to get the most out of the kids that i have. I am getting better at doing that.
Did i mention that of the 6 games ; 2 seeding games( 1 win and 1 lost to the eventual number 2 team) and 4 tourney games (2 must win games on the first day, then loss in the semifinal to the eventual number 1 team and winning the consulation game) where all played without the starting point guard and 6/7th man? I hope it was a lesson to them that the team moved forward without them.
Good month. could have been better, ill give it a B-.
Now I gotta go back to breaking these kids down again.
Chikuzen tourney appreance 2007
7th grade tourney champs 2008
Kasuya gun fall tourney 3rd place 2009
As hard as I am on myself, i must say I am semi-pleased looking at my accomplishments in my first 3 years of coaching basketball. Semi-pleased.
So we were able to finish in third place after pushing the best team in Kasuya gun to a semi-close 10 point game. Its amazing. The longer i coach, the more harshly i critique myself. And ofcourse, the more i learn about how to do the job. There are i think 3 elements to coaching at this level. 1) Team atmosphere 2) Recruitment 3) Motivation.
Team atmosphere is the correct balance of disipline and fun. I see some coaches go overboard with their hard disipline at the middle school level. You can only yell so much I think, to be effective at the level. To much yelling has kids scared to make plays and makes the either 1) tune you out or 2) play too stiff. I constantly remind myself that my job is not so much to win games as it is to develop talent. At this level, talent almost always beats stategy.
Recruiting WITHIN THE SCHOOL is important. I dont agree with kids commuting more than an hour to go to school. But getting kids involved with the club is very important. Good example. One game this past weekend was a game against a team of all 7th graders who had play on the same junior basketball team for at least 3 years. Their play was very seemless and surely they will be a force to deal with down the road. On our side, 3 kids that played junior basketball together were in the game with a 8th grader who moved from Kagoshima who had never played basketball until a year ago and a 7th grader who first picked up a basketball some 5 months ago.
It was a close game, which we won, but what i think was most important about this was that the 3 kids with skill had to learn to evolve their game to include the less experienced players. And the less experienced players had to understand how important their defense was. With them all working together, it gave a new group of kids the chance to enjoy the euphoria of basketball, even having limited skill. This was possible only by an open, friendly recruiting approach. The Kasuya Higashi program went from 15+ in 2006 to 14 in 2007 to 9 in 2008. I knew last year that a bad recruiting year would all but end the basketball program, so i let the kids do something very creative at the school recuritment assembaly.
I wish i could have seen it, but certainly it was very funny. One kid tied on a blindfold and made a free throw. One kid hit (or tried to hit) a three from near half court. One kid crossed over 2 kids who pretended they broke their ankles. Whatever they did, it got 11 kids into the basketball club. And thus, a new group of kids enter the basketball stage. As i watch schools stuggle with numbers, i have to remind myself that even though these kids are new to basketball, I have kids available to teach. That is a wonderful feeling.
Motivating kids isnt as hard as it may seem. Honestly, disiplining kids isnt either. They have to understand 1) the coach knows more than they do 2) the coach is looking out for their best interests 3) the coach has the same goal as the kids, to win. When kids figure this out, it all but eliminates the need to yell. Kids have to understand how beautiful it is, how good it feels to be able to count on someone else to have your back. They have to know why defense is most important. I find the key to this is give kids opportunities to succeed.
I wasnt really given a chance to succeed in high school. Im not sure why things went as they did, but my problem in school was my desire to be a good passer/playmaker and not being willing to shoot the ball. I needed a coach that would run a play for me in the first quarter so i could see the ball go in. A coach that would tell me/order me to shoot a shot. What it got was benched on a team that lost alot without having a true chance to see if i could do it at a high level.
So now, when i see a kid struggling with defense, i understand that i can motivate him several ways as opposed to just writing him of. My job is to get the most out of the kids that i have. I am getting better at doing that.
Did i mention that of the 6 games ; 2 seeding games( 1 win and 1 lost to the eventual number 2 team) and 4 tourney games (2 must win games on the first day, then loss in the semifinal to the eventual number 1 team and winning the consulation game) where all played without the starting point guard and 6/7th man? I hope it was a lesson to them that the team moved forward without them.
Good month. could have been better, ill give it a B-.
Now I gotta go back to breaking these kids down again.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The last thing I want.
Not that i expect to die soon, but there are some points I want to make about the people that give eulogies at my funeral (and yes we all will have one).
If you cant send me a letter or email within a year or 2's time, dont stand up in front of people and front like we were close. It takes all of 80 cents to mail a letter to japan from america. I know who has taken the time to send me letters and/or cards and it is a surprisingly small number.
I dont want people going crazy, crying, carrying on and such when they couldnt take 1 minute a year and send me a birthday or christmas card. Now there are certainly people exempt from this because they were caring enough to send me cards. I appreciate them for that. But i cant stand the idea of people that havent contacted me in months or years to be at my funeral crying like we talked everyday.
Dont front. I remember during the 80s that was a popular saying. Dont pretend to be something you arent. Stop frontin. Frontin would be people that cant bother to ask for my address in japan to send a christmas card crying and going crazy like they cared. Thats bunk. Seriously. People show what they believe and think by what they DO and not what they SAY. Talk is cheap(See Rush Limbaugh). People that believe in Christianty for real, do what they read. People that front are asking for forgiveness everyday because they continue to do what they know they shouldnt.
I hope when im laying in my casket (or on a prye before being creamated which i prefer) someone reads this.
I have seen so many contradictions. Too many to name. Im not even trying to pretend im perfect, because i am far from it. But looking around me, its the same contradictions over and over. People love to use the word "Love", but how can you know you love someone that you knew less than a year? Why is it that love must come in a certain package, i.e. handsome, tall, relatively wealthy, and whatnot? Why is it that "Love" so often lasts for about 10 years or less then results in a divorce? Why is it "Love" until someone gets laid off.
I miss substance. The age when everything wasnt made of plastic. Plastic is the best example of how the human being has "evolved". It is a compound originating from oil, something of substance, and created into, everything. Computer shells, shirts, houses, whatever. We as humans have found extravegant, ornate ways of taking something of actual value and filling stores with a cheap derivative of it. Wal mart, a store full of chinese made plastic (more or less). The point of my rant is, how long does a plastic...anything last? We buy it, use it until it breaks, then chuck it.
As humans, we have become that kind of species. The emphasis isnt on value anymore. Its on appearence and convienience. We dont want to pay people a good solid wage to make the things we need to live. We dont even care about those people or their living conditions. We only want the convienence of a low price and the appereance/color we choose.
So it is of no surprise that i dont want a bunch of crying and such at a funeral full of people that i havent communicated with in more than 5 years. A room full of people who never considered visiting me overseas (props to my sisters and brother for showing the desire yet constricted by funds). Im here right now. Checking my email everyday. Opening my mailbox everyday. Send me a couple letters or emails, then we can chat a little on the phone. I hate phone calls out of the blue.
You want to try, go old school and send me a letter(email). Sit down, take 10 minutes and devote it to what you want to say to me. You dont have time to do that, you dont have time for me.
And Im gone.
If you cant send me a letter or email within a year or 2's time, dont stand up in front of people and front like we were close. It takes all of 80 cents to mail a letter to japan from america. I know who has taken the time to send me letters and/or cards and it is a surprisingly small number.
I dont want people going crazy, crying, carrying on and such when they couldnt take 1 minute a year and send me a birthday or christmas card. Now there are certainly people exempt from this because they were caring enough to send me cards. I appreciate them for that. But i cant stand the idea of people that havent contacted me in months or years to be at my funeral crying like we talked everyday.
Dont front. I remember during the 80s that was a popular saying. Dont pretend to be something you arent. Stop frontin. Frontin would be people that cant bother to ask for my address in japan to send a christmas card crying and going crazy like they cared. Thats bunk. Seriously. People show what they believe and think by what they DO and not what they SAY. Talk is cheap(See Rush Limbaugh). People that believe in Christianty for real, do what they read. People that front are asking for forgiveness everyday because they continue to do what they know they shouldnt.
I hope when im laying in my casket (or on a prye before being creamated which i prefer) someone reads this.
I have seen so many contradictions. Too many to name. Im not even trying to pretend im perfect, because i am far from it. But looking around me, its the same contradictions over and over. People love to use the word "Love", but how can you know you love someone that you knew less than a year? Why is it that love must come in a certain package, i.e. handsome, tall, relatively wealthy, and whatnot? Why is it that "Love" so often lasts for about 10 years or less then results in a divorce? Why is it "Love" until someone gets laid off.
I miss substance. The age when everything wasnt made of plastic. Plastic is the best example of how the human being has "evolved". It is a compound originating from oil, something of substance, and created into, everything. Computer shells, shirts, houses, whatever. We as humans have found extravegant, ornate ways of taking something of actual value and filling stores with a cheap derivative of it. Wal mart, a store full of chinese made plastic (more or less). The point of my rant is, how long does a plastic...anything last? We buy it, use it until it breaks, then chuck it.
As humans, we have become that kind of species. The emphasis isnt on value anymore. Its on appearence and convienience. We dont want to pay people a good solid wage to make the things we need to live. We dont even care about those people or their living conditions. We only want the convienence of a low price and the appereance/color we choose.
So it is of no surprise that i dont want a bunch of crying and such at a funeral full of people that i havent communicated with in more than 5 years. A room full of people who never considered visiting me overseas (props to my sisters and brother for showing the desire yet constricted by funds). Im here right now. Checking my email everyday. Opening my mailbox everyday. Send me a couple letters or emails, then we can chat a little on the phone. I hate phone calls out of the blue.
You want to try, go old school and send me a letter(email). Sit down, take 10 minutes and devote it to what you want to say to me. You dont have time to do that, you dont have time for me.
And Im gone.
Monday, October 12, 2009
In need of a change.
I guess now i can admit several things to myself. Number one, i havent been in love in almost 3/4 years. Number two, its time to stop checking my email waiting for someone in my family to email me. Number three, it time to stop expecting anything more than a token phone call for my birthday or Christmas.
I can pretend to be happy, but at the core of my unhappiness or should i restate, my dissatisfaction with those who are supposedly "closest to me" is the fact that i havent fitted in anywhere in a very long time. When my family worked properly, i.e. birthday, thanksgiving, christmas gatherings; christmas cards, sunday stuff, it was very easy to feel part of a family that gave me confidence to go out in the world and do my thing. When I was young, my thing was the books, studying. I certainly regard myself as a very intelligent individual. But when i fought my way to a 3.5 gpa after my first year at Georgia Tech, and coming home badly in need of money, my father basically told me get a job, and ill sell you a car. My supposedly successful father telling me this made a very deep impression on me less than 3 years after the passing of a mother who i know would have reacted in the EXACT opposite manner to such news.
Needless to say, my demeaner and approach to life and family changed. Very slowly, it began to seem that people only associated with me only to get things out of me. Not always the case, but outside of my brothers/sisters/cousins and grandmother, it was overwhelingly the case with family. Helping my uncle with his meat business for 2 months and getting about 200 or so bucks for it. Helping my aunt with church programs and getting gas money out of it. And of course, anything having to do with my father the last 15 years, at the center of it was him demanding money from me.
My problem is that i havent truely felt that someone truely cared about me and my best self interests in many many years. With kids, it always legit. Kids are upfront about what they want, and show appreciation even when they dont say it. They are honest. And they know when someone cares for them. We as adults owe it to kids to show them that all that stuff we teach them isnt bullshit. That its not the outside but the inside that matters. That hard work pays off before nepotism. That we owe more to the world than just looking out for ourselves and our "group".
Yet with adults, its much different. Kids dont really understand much about how money affects people except that they need it to live. But with adults, some of us become absorbed by our preceived self importance because we are richer, taller, better looking, more famous, better educated or lighter skinned. Even family. But we still lie to kids about things that we dont do ourselves.
I am defintely in need of something. I need to be reminded that people want to be around me for more than just what i can do for them. I need to still believe that love in its true innocence is still possible and still exsits.
I hate that my skeptism is so right so often. That my company can so willingly break the law to save a few bucks and smile and lie to me to my face. That adults place status on things other than willingness to work to better ourselves and the world around us. That people place money above people. That people act in social groups based on whatever, and live most of their private lives in these small social groups.
I think i just need to fall in love again. or maybe i just need someone to send me a thoughtful letter. or maybe i always get like this around the anniversary of my mother dying. maybe i could have used a birthday/christmas present of some kind from someone "close" to me the last 4/5 years. Whatever the case, maybe socially, i am not the person that is willing to walk into the room and start joking to make everyone laugh and like me. Maybe im not the person that can rattle off lyrics to the most popular songs. Maybe im not the person that has the most friends or the newest clothes. But dont want to be any of those things. Being liked by a lot of people has not been my aim for a long time.
I dont want to be popular if it means being compromising core beliefs about people and the world around us. I dont want alot of friends if it means that i must turn my nose up at people not like me because of any reason outside of their desire to better themselves and the world. I really just want to be myself and be loved for it. I guess that is what everyone wants, even if some of us dont have it.
Im not even sure how i became this person. Maybe its seven years in asia without even a hint of anyone wanting to visit. Maybe its having my heart broken a couple times. Maybe its all of the family structure and organizations of my youth being built on a crumbling sand foundation. Maybe its that after 33 years, i have yet to find a place via family, socially, or emotionally/romantically. Maybe i was just born in the wrong time. or Maybe i just a guy who is here for a purpose that is different than just making alot of money, making alot of friends, and finding romantic love. Maybe my lot is different than most because of the path I chose to travel.
I will not lie when i say that i feel there is a higher purpose to why i do some of the things that i do. Why have i coached basketball to japanese kids for 3 years for free? Why have i stayed in japan over going back "home"? Why i am so irritated by the world i see around me? Why i am more interested in politics and social issues than the average person? Why i dont subscribe to a major religion?
Maybe my greatest dissatisfaction is that as techonology evolves and we call ourselves becoming more "advanced"; our relations between other people is moving the opposite way. In america, the rich are using to government to steal from the poor. In asia, people place continue to place disproportionate value on skin color. In the middle east, poor palestinians are being killed off like america did native americans.
Maybe my dissatisfaction is a result of me seeing how people are and knowing that as long as people continue to live lives worried about hair length, account balances, social status, skin color, ipod verson, car make, and reality shows; we as a human race are in for great calamity, and in the not too distant future.
But hey, who am I? im just a nobody. Just my thoughts on what i see.
And i know this for a fact. The absolute most destructive emotion for a human being to have is not hate. Hate still means you care about something, and even allows a chance to change a persons heart.
But it isnt hate i see in people. It is apathy. Apathy to changing myself and the world around me, apathy to the wars that scurge this planet. Apathy to age old things methods about race. Apathy to current events. Apathy to intercultural relations. Apathy to those people that are outside of my "group". Apathy to things that dont directly concern you on a daily basis. Apathy to changing my views on how i view people different than me.
And it is this apathy that alarms me the most.
I can pretend to be happy, but at the core of my unhappiness or should i restate, my dissatisfaction with those who are supposedly "closest to me" is the fact that i havent fitted in anywhere in a very long time. When my family worked properly, i.e. birthday, thanksgiving, christmas gatherings; christmas cards, sunday stuff, it was very easy to feel part of a family that gave me confidence to go out in the world and do my thing. When I was young, my thing was the books, studying. I certainly regard myself as a very intelligent individual. But when i fought my way to a 3.5 gpa after my first year at Georgia Tech, and coming home badly in need of money, my father basically told me get a job, and ill sell you a car. My supposedly successful father telling me this made a very deep impression on me less than 3 years after the passing of a mother who i know would have reacted in the EXACT opposite manner to such news.
Needless to say, my demeaner and approach to life and family changed. Very slowly, it began to seem that people only associated with me only to get things out of me. Not always the case, but outside of my brothers/sisters/cousins and grandmother, it was overwhelingly the case with family. Helping my uncle with his meat business for 2 months and getting about 200 or so bucks for it. Helping my aunt with church programs and getting gas money out of it. And of course, anything having to do with my father the last 15 years, at the center of it was him demanding money from me.
My problem is that i havent truely felt that someone truely cared about me and my best self interests in many many years. With kids, it always legit. Kids are upfront about what they want, and show appreciation even when they dont say it. They are honest. And they know when someone cares for them. We as adults owe it to kids to show them that all that stuff we teach them isnt bullshit. That its not the outside but the inside that matters. That hard work pays off before nepotism. That we owe more to the world than just looking out for ourselves and our "group".
Yet with adults, its much different. Kids dont really understand much about how money affects people except that they need it to live. But with adults, some of us become absorbed by our preceived self importance because we are richer, taller, better looking, more famous, better educated or lighter skinned. Even family. But we still lie to kids about things that we dont do ourselves.
I am defintely in need of something. I need to be reminded that people want to be around me for more than just what i can do for them. I need to still believe that love in its true innocence is still possible and still exsits.
I hate that my skeptism is so right so often. That my company can so willingly break the law to save a few bucks and smile and lie to me to my face. That adults place status on things other than willingness to work to better ourselves and the world around us. That people place money above people. That people act in social groups based on whatever, and live most of their private lives in these small social groups.
I think i just need to fall in love again. or maybe i just need someone to send me a thoughtful letter. or maybe i always get like this around the anniversary of my mother dying. maybe i could have used a birthday/christmas present of some kind from someone "close" to me the last 4/5 years. Whatever the case, maybe socially, i am not the person that is willing to walk into the room and start joking to make everyone laugh and like me. Maybe im not the person that can rattle off lyrics to the most popular songs. Maybe im not the person that has the most friends or the newest clothes. But dont want to be any of those things. Being liked by a lot of people has not been my aim for a long time.
I dont want to be popular if it means being compromising core beliefs about people and the world around us. I dont want alot of friends if it means that i must turn my nose up at people not like me because of any reason outside of their desire to better themselves and the world. I really just want to be myself and be loved for it. I guess that is what everyone wants, even if some of us dont have it.
Im not even sure how i became this person. Maybe its seven years in asia without even a hint of anyone wanting to visit. Maybe its having my heart broken a couple times. Maybe its all of the family structure and organizations of my youth being built on a crumbling sand foundation. Maybe its that after 33 years, i have yet to find a place via family, socially, or emotionally/romantically. Maybe i was just born in the wrong time. or Maybe i just a guy who is here for a purpose that is different than just making alot of money, making alot of friends, and finding romantic love. Maybe my lot is different than most because of the path I chose to travel.
I will not lie when i say that i feel there is a higher purpose to why i do some of the things that i do. Why have i coached basketball to japanese kids for 3 years for free? Why have i stayed in japan over going back "home"? Why i am so irritated by the world i see around me? Why i am more interested in politics and social issues than the average person? Why i dont subscribe to a major religion?
Maybe my greatest dissatisfaction is that as techonology evolves and we call ourselves becoming more "advanced"; our relations between other people is moving the opposite way. In america, the rich are using to government to steal from the poor. In asia, people place continue to place disproportionate value on skin color. In the middle east, poor palestinians are being killed off like america did native americans.
Maybe my dissatisfaction is a result of me seeing how people are and knowing that as long as people continue to live lives worried about hair length, account balances, social status, skin color, ipod verson, car make, and reality shows; we as a human race are in for great calamity, and in the not too distant future.
But hey, who am I? im just a nobody. Just my thoughts on what i see.
And i know this for a fact. The absolute most destructive emotion for a human being to have is not hate. Hate still means you care about something, and even allows a chance to change a persons heart.
But it isnt hate i see in people. It is apathy. Apathy to changing myself and the world around me, apathy to the wars that scurge this planet. Apathy to age old things methods about race. Apathy to current events. Apathy to intercultural relations. Apathy to those people that are outside of my "group". Apathy to things that dont directly concern you on a daily basis. Apathy to changing my views on how i view people different than me.
And it is this apathy that alarms me the most.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The kid.
I coach a kid that reminds me of how i would have been if didnt have a strong father.
Dealing with my dad is difficult, granted. but growing up with that helped me understand how to be a man. See, a real man can use someone to lean on at times, but he doesnt need someone to lean on all the time. A man can make his decisions and live with them. He can be content with the idea that he can make his own choices, and the people around him can suck lemons if they dont agree.
The kid is blessed with raw talent. He makes incredible plays. But he wants attention so much that he makes plays based on that and not solid basketball decision making. The only way to deal with it is tough love. I know that i am not the poster child(man) for tough love. I am generally mild tempered if not jovial with kids. I disipline kids from time to time outside of basketball practice, but never in a loud, repremanding tone.
The basketball situation is different. I sense myself changing into a real coach. I use strategy against other coaches, in motivating my players and even in motivating myself. I used the whole summer to develop talent, handling, shooting. In our first "exhibition" game, we played the champs from last year and got beat up pretty good. My best player had his finger broken (goodness knows how...but knowing how some other coaches feel about being beaten by a black coach, i can imagine), another twisted an ankle in a 16 min, 2 quarter game. I certainly understand the intensity, dont get me wrong. But on the middle school level, the hard fouls was a bit more than i expected first game of the season. Nevertheless, i deliberately did little game prep for this game. I only had the returning starters practice as normal without implementing any strategy before or during the game. I made sure that no one saw me call out one single play.
Im good at basketball strategy. Mainly because i teach my kids to think on the court so they can solve problems together on the court. That is where the basketball around me is failing. The kids are obeying the coaches direct orders. So its basically get it to the big man or jack up a 3. There are times for that, but i am teaching kids how to beat someone off the dribble. I am teaching kids to play in high school. How to get into the paint and make split second decisions. How to read your man by his feet and back posture. How to see the whole court. So yes, we did take some lumps in not preparing as hard as we could for the seeding games. now comes the games that matter. On Oct 17, we will be ready.
The real problem is the me attitude. I am certain that american coaches deal with this. but in america, we also know to ride a hot hand. We know that if someone is hot and we take a shot and miss, it could get you yanked. I am in the process of teaching that now. It isnt that only one person wins. The whole team wins. So if one guy gets 47 pts and the offense is working properly, then there is a chance that someone has 23 assists. There were 23 good screens set for the one player. But when players have a me first attitude, they only see when the crowd is clapping for them and not the team.
So back to the kid. He is in a tough situation because, well, its not much unlike inner city black kids living with just one parent. quite similar actually. But as the youngest, he is attention starved and it makes for an unruly kid at times. He can be a happy and jovial as the next kid one day and barely say a word the next. He believes the weight of the world is on his shoulders, and i can identify with it. He is teaching me. There are times i get so mad at him i cant see straight, and times when i cant help but laugh. But i need to teach him life lessons; lessons that i learned.
That you are your own P.R. agent. That you dont have to be best friends with people to work together. That we should always remain open minded. That we should be modest at times. And most importantly, we must put our best foot forward when we are engaged in an endeavor.
I am not afraid to bench any player on the team for not doing what i say. And i feel secure enough in my position to not suffer any serious flack for it. But in order to reach our goal this year, we need everyone to get on the same page.
I need to make sure that happens in the next two weeks.
And i love doing it with all of my heart.
Dealing with my dad is difficult, granted. but growing up with that helped me understand how to be a man. See, a real man can use someone to lean on at times, but he doesnt need someone to lean on all the time. A man can make his decisions and live with them. He can be content with the idea that he can make his own choices, and the people around him can suck lemons if they dont agree.
The kid is blessed with raw talent. He makes incredible plays. But he wants attention so much that he makes plays based on that and not solid basketball decision making. The only way to deal with it is tough love. I know that i am not the poster child(man) for tough love. I am generally mild tempered if not jovial with kids. I disipline kids from time to time outside of basketball practice, but never in a loud, repremanding tone.
The basketball situation is different. I sense myself changing into a real coach. I use strategy against other coaches, in motivating my players and even in motivating myself. I used the whole summer to develop talent, handling, shooting. In our first "exhibition" game, we played the champs from last year and got beat up pretty good. My best player had his finger broken (goodness knows how...but knowing how some other coaches feel about being beaten by a black coach, i can imagine), another twisted an ankle in a 16 min, 2 quarter game. I certainly understand the intensity, dont get me wrong. But on the middle school level, the hard fouls was a bit more than i expected first game of the season. Nevertheless, i deliberately did little game prep for this game. I only had the returning starters practice as normal without implementing any strategy before or during the game. I made sure that no one saw me call out one single play.
Im good at basketball strategy. Mainly because i teach my kids to think on the court so they can solve problems together on the court. That is where the basketball around me is failing. The kids are obeying the coaches direct orders. So its basically get it to the big man or jack up a 3. There are times for that, but i am teaching kids how to beat someone off the dribble. I am teaching kids to play in high school. How to get into the paint and make split second decisions. How to read your man by his feet and back posture. How to see the whole court. So yes, we did take some lumps in not preparing as hard as we could for the seeding games. now comes the games that matter. On Oct 17, we will be ready.
The real problem is the me attitude. I am certain that american coaches deal with this. but in america, we also know to ride a hot hand. We know that if someone is hot and we take a shot and miss, it could get you yanked. I am in the process of teaching that now. It isnt that only one person wins. The whole team wins. So if one guy gets 47 pts and the offense is working properly, then there is a chance that someone has 23 assists. There were 23 good screens set for the one player. But when players have a me first attitude, they only see when the crowd is clapping for them and not the team.
So back to the kid. He is in a tough situation because, well, its not much unlike inner city black kids living with just one parent. quite similar actually. But as the youngest, he is attention starved and it makes for an unruly kid at times. He can be a happy and jovial as the next kid one day and barely say a word the next. He believes the weight of the world is on his shoulders, and i can identify with it. He is teaching me. There are times i get so mad at him i cant see straight, and times when i cant help but laugh. But i need to teach him life lessons; lessons that i learned.
That you are your own P.R. agent. That you dont have to be best friends with people to work together. That we should always remain open minded. That we should be modest at times. And most importantly, we must put our best foot forward when we are engaged in an endeavor.
I am not afraid to bench any player on the team for not doing what i say. And i feel secure enough in my position to not suffer any serious flack for it. But in order to reach our goal this year, we need everyone to get on the same page.
I need to make sure that happens in the next two weeks.
And i love doing it with all of my heart.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Bills bills bills.
It really sucks that each month all of my bills are due on the 25th and payday is on the 30th.
I mean really. Come on. pay us 10 days earlier like the rest of japan. So with this being the last 7.5 man backpayment on Kokumin hoken, yes, i am broke at the end of the month. Not to mention that i must pay my fat tax bill at the end of october along with my 2.4 man kokumin hoken bill. Ouch.
Living in Japan is expensive. but i do have legit healthcare, even though i dont have a "full time"job, as my current "part time" job is in its fourth year.
Sure is something, what greed does to people. It is so evil. We all know right and wrong. We also know legal and illegal. So when your job is to protect a process that is both wrong and illegal, how can you live with it? It has to change a part of you into trying to find any explination to validate your existance.
If my job were to find ways to pay hard working people less and rip them out of their paychecks, how could i get used to it? Im not sure i could.
Oh well, i am still surviving. Ill be ok...
...but the longer people do things like this and can get away with it, the more they can convince themselves that their actions are not as bad as they seem.
The ends do NOT justify the means.
I mean really. Come on. pay us 10 days earlier like the rest of japan. So with this being the last 7.5 man backpayment on Kokumin hoken, yes, i am broke at the end of the month. Not to mention that i must pay my fat tax bill at the end of october along with my 2.4 man kokumin hoken bill. Ouch.
Living in Japan is expensive. but i do have legit healthcare, even though i dont have a "full time"job, as my current "part time" job is in its fourth year.
Sure is something, what greed does to people. It is so evil. We all know right and wrong. We also know legal and illegal. So when your job is to protect a process that is both wrong and illegal, how can you live with it? It has to change a part of you into trying to find any explination to validate your existance.
If my job were to find ways to pay hard working people less and rip them out of their paychecks, how could i get used to it? Im not sure i could.
Oh well, i am still surviving. Ill be ok...
...but the longer people do things like this and can get away with it, the more they can convince themselves that their actions are not as bad as they seem.
The ends do NOT justify the means.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Motivation...
...where is mine?
Im getting to a point in life where i dont want to study japanese anymore. I mean, i know there is a lot i need to still learn, but it seems like now is good enough. I gotta find some motivation to study for 1kyu.
Id much rather be coaching basketball. It truely is my passion. The shoulds have turned into coulds.
I should read the japanese paper today turned into I "could" read the japanese paper. I should crack open my JLPT books turned into I could. No matter, ill just keep plugging away at the coaching and let my japanese continue to come to me naturally.
What i really need is to be in a class surrounded by people pushing to learn japanese. But most people here 1) have a girl that speaks english already 2) dont have interest in learning or 3) are learning for different reasons. But im used to it i guess. I kinda lament being around foreigners alot here mainly because our language all but separates us from our surroundings. If a group of germans go to america and only use german, they will naturally separate themselves from their environment. Here, the only real difference is that everyone is just dying for a chance to use their english, so you usually attract the people that want to practice english and repell the normal people here who are interested in other things.
Its not biggie for me anyways. I have my spots to go for my fill of being surrounded by japanese people. What would be cooler is if i have 2 or 3 fluent foreign friends that were down to hang out and demand the conversation be in japanese. But you know, its what it is.
That Shinjinsen is coming. I am excited and I am a bit worried. Im having to temper the kids arrogance and overconfidence with making my persona meaner. Im not really a mean person, but i have to do it. I have to transition from the nice friendly guy that let them play 5 on 5 all summer into the guy that is getting them ready to win. This sunday win.
Maybe the hardest thing to teach kids is that they need to listen and observe. It is what makes Chris Paul the best point guard on the planet. He can see everything, and pays attention to everything. There is an old saying that goes something like only stupid people think they know everything. It is true. There is so much to learn. So much.
so i guess it leads me back to my lack of desire to learn japanese. I guess it means i need to find a new something to pour my interest into.
I wonder what it will turn out to be.
Im getting to a point in life where i dont want to study japanese anymore. I mean, i know there is a lot i need to still learn, but it seems like now is good enough. I gotta find some motivation to study for 1kyu.
Id much rather be coaching basketball. It truely is my passion. The shoulds have turned into coulds.
I should read the japanese paper today turned into I "could" read the japanese paper. I should crack open my JLPT books turned into I could. No matter, ill just keep plugging away at the coaching and let my japanese continue to come to me naturally.
What i really need is to be in a class surrounded by people pushing to learn japanese. But most people here 1) have a girl that speaks english already 2) dont have interest in learning or 3) are learning for different reasons. But im used to it i guess. I kinda lament being around foreigners alot here mainly because our language all but separates us from our surroundings. If a group of germans go to america and only use german, they will naturally separate themselves from their environment. Here, the only real difference is that everyone is just dying for a chance to use their english, so you usually attract the people that want to practice english and repell the normal people here who are interested in other things.
Its not biggie for me anyways. I have my spots to go for my fill of being surrounded by japanese people. What would be cooler is if i have 2 or 3 fluent foreign friends that were down to hang out and demand the conversation be in japanese. But you know, its what it is.
That Shinjinsen is coming. I am excited and I am a bit worried. Im having to temper the kids arrogance and overconfidence with making my persona meaner. Im not really a mean person, but i have to do it. I have to transition from the nice friendly guy that let them play 5 on 5 all summer into the guy that is getting them ready to win. This sunday win.
Maybe the hardest thing to teach kids is that they need to listen and observe. It is what makes Chris Paul the best point guard on the planet. He can see everything, and pays attention to everything. There is an old saying that goes something like only stupid people think they know everything. It is true. There is so much to learn. So much.
so i guess it leads me back to my lack of desire to learn japanese. I guess it means i need to find a new something to pour my interest into.
I wonder what it will turn out to be.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
You cant save the world.
A big part of my adjustment from being a boy growing into a man has been my change of being less idealist and more realist.
I have always been an idealist. It has always bothered me when i see things that are wrong, bothered to the point of wanting to fix it. Be it giving a homeless man a couple bucks, give a ride to someone, being a listening ear, sometimes even sacrificing time.
As i have gotten older, i see that people take advantage of people that are giving. Its not a good thing, but it is the truth. Look around any you can always see it. People looking to take advantage of other's generosity. At some point, the generous person has to look at the situation and say, "I am willing to be generous until X point."
Being idealistic has made several things much more difficult. Dating women particularly. Women are won with the exterior, with the flash. Even when they dont admit that they favor the tall, flamboyant, cocky type over the practical, modest type; their actions suggest that they do. How many women married that guy they though was hot from high school or college and are now miserable? In my idealism, I have always just wanted a girl to like me before i start spending the money. As i am single and 33, its pretty obvious that that doesnt work.
The other difficult part about the transition is that the bible is idealistic and most people i know say they are strict adherants to the virtues taught in the book. But what people say and what they do in reality are quite different. Blessed are the peacemakers. How? In America? How? Difficult for a rich man to get into heaven? if so, why do all americans want to be rich? Do unto others?
That is the idealism that i have had to deal with in my head as i watch reality all around me. In reality, the Christian prays and asks for forgiveness. This is much easier than to repremand oneself from doing with one knows they shouldnt before they do it.
I fear if i try to lead an idealistic life much longer, i will go insane. Seriously. It just doesnt fit. The real world and idealism. Because in the end, people just bend their logic to fit their needs; just as I am doing. So ill rewrite some of the rules that i have until now strictly denied myself.
1) Choose two or three positive things to do that will give back to society; the rest of the time be a bit selfish.
2) Dont put anyone, ANYONE above getting angry at. Just because of someone's position is no reason to believe they are above getting angry at.
3) Ignore some things you dont want to hear or dont have time for. We owe ourselves first, then our kids, and everyone else can wait.
4) Sometimes its ok to use people, just do your best not to mislead them. Tell them that they cant have what they want out of you, and if they still want to be around you, that is on them.
5) Dont worry about what someone you barely know or may never see again will think about you or your race. Someone wants to think all black people are a certain way because of how i am can think it. Its not my job to always represent my race.
6) Keep the people that are good for you in your life and push away those that are not. You dont have to take crap off of people because of who they are. We all have the ability to say yes or no to a phonecall/email/snail mail. besides, life is too short.
7) Modesty is good sometimes, but sometimes is better to just get yours. Sometimes modesty means that the fat woman at the table gets the T bone steak and you get the chopped steak.
8) Dont take crap off of people that dont give you money, help, or a chance at success. If they arent helping you in any way, there is no reason to take their crap. If they are helping you and you need the money, do what you gotta. The day you dont need them, dont take crap from them. It is the decision of the giver to give each time they do. That is what loans are for.
9) Do what you want to do. Not everyday, not all the time, but some times. Even if you do it alone, it doesnt matter.
10) Be your own best friend. Im good at this one. The need for having good friends is overrated at best. If you are happy being with yourself then it doesnt really matter how many friends you have. because in reality people that have 100's of friends really only have a few that are down for them in the hardest of times. Which probably isnt much different from the person with few friends.
Living my life this way makes it much easier to deal with things. I just hope when i leave this planet, the good i have done doubles or even triples the bad.
Then i would consider my life a success.
I have always been an idealist. It has always bothered me when i see things that are wrong, bothered to the point of wanting to fix it. Be it giving a homeless man a couple bucks, give a ride to someone, being a listening ear, sometimes even sacrificing time.
As i have gotten older, i see that people take advantage of people that are giving. Its not a good thing, but it is the truth. Look around any you can always see it. People looking to take advantage of other's generosity. At some point, the generous person has to look at the situation and say, "I am willing to be generous until X point."
Being idealistic has made several things much more difficult. Dating women particularly. Women are won with the exterior, with the flash. Even when they dont admit that they favor the tall, flamboyant, cocky type over the practical, modest type; their actions suggest that they do. How many women married that guy they though was hot from high school or college and are now miserable? In my idealism, I have always just wanted a girl to like me before i start spending the money. As i am single and 33, its pretty obvious that that doesnt work.
The other difficult part about the transition is that the bible is idealistic and most people i know say they are strict adherants to the virtues taught in the book. But what people say and what they do in reality are quite different. Blessed are the peacemakers. How? In America? How? Difficult for a rich man to get into heaven? if so, why do all americans want to be rich? Do unto others?
That is the idealism that i have had to deal with in my head as i watch reality all around me. In reality, the Christian prays and asks for forgiveness. This is much easier than to repremand oneself from doing with one knows they shouldnt before they do it.
I fear if i try to lead an idealistic life much longer, i will go insane. Seriously. It just doesnt fit. The real world and idealism. Because in the end, people just bend their logic to fit their needs; just as I am doing. So ill rewrite some of the rules that i have until now strictly denied myself.
1) Choose two or three positive things to do that will give back to society; the rest of the time be a bit selfish.
2) Dont put anyone, ANYONE above getting angry at. Just because of someone's position is no reason to believe they are above getting angry at.
3) Ignore some things you dont want to hear or dont have time for. We owe ourselves first, then our kids, and everyone else can wait.
4) Sometimes its ok to use people, just do your best not to mislead them. Tell them that they cant have what they want out of you, and if they still want to be around you, that is on them.
5) Dont worry about what someone you barely know or may never see again will think about you or your race. Someone wants to think all black people are a certain way because of how i am can think it. Its not my job to always represent my race.
6) Keep the people that are good for you in your life and push away those that are not. You dont have to take crap off of people because of who they are. We all have the ability to say yes or no to a phonecall/email/snail mail. besides, life is too short.
7) Modesty is good sometimes, but sometimes is better to just get yours. Sometimes modesty means that the fat woman at the table gets the T bone steak and you get the chopped steak.
8) Dont take crap off of people that dont give you money, help, or a chance at success. If they arent helping you in any way, there is no reason to take their crap. If they are helping you and you need the money, do what you gotta. The day you dont need them, dont take crap from them. It is the decision of the giver to give each time they do. That is what loans are for.
9) Do what you want to do. Not everyday, not all the time, but some times. Even if you do it alone, it doesnt matter.
10) Be your own best friend. Im good at this one. The need for having good friends is overrated at best. If you are happy being with yourself then it doesnt really matter how many friends you have. because in reality people that have 100's of friends really only have a few that are down for them in the hardest of times. Which probably isnt much different from the person with few friends.
Living my life this way makes it much easier to deal with things. I just hope when i leave this planet, the good i have done doubles or even triples the bad.
Then i would consider my life a success.
Dealing with Dad.
First, i will start this post off by saying that i dont hate my father. I care for him very much.
I think one of the more difficult things for black people and more specifically black men to deal with is losing a mother. In many black families, it is the woman who holds things together if not runs the family herself. I have seen this with my big sister who dealt with many men, but during time, made a place for her children. It doesnt matter that you dont get the present that you WANT but you get the present that you NEED.
I have had to deal with the opposite. After mom dying at 15, the little things stopped happening. "I dont believe in christmas so no christmas tree this year." "you didnt get me anything for my birthday so i why should i get you anything?" "I want you to pay rent to live here while you are looking for a place" "Ill sell you your first car." Happy birthday via email and phone calls and not by presents or birthday cards. Months at a time passing by without a call from your long remaining parent. Going back "home" and not wanting to be there. Hearing my father talk at length about other women but not a single phone call of the anniversery of her passing date.
I miss my mother mostly because she was home. When she was at home, it was home. I havent been back to the states in almost 3 years. in that time, ive been to Thailand and Vietnam. Its not that hard to travel. Now, there is no home for me except where i make it. The unfortunate part is that i have been trying so hard to fill in some of the gaps by sending the presents and making the phonecalls. By sending the cards and buying the presents when i go overseas. Little things that magically happened for us when we had a mother.
Its tough dealing with him without a mediator. Very very tough. Mainly because he is always right. But that is the joy of being a Pierce. Strong personalities, plenty of food to eat, strong religious convictions, and no money. Everyday the farm that my grandfather spend 40 + years working to own spends abandoned, the more i am ashamed of his immediate family. Im sure my grandfather didnt see the farm that was the center of all of our christmas meetings being abandoned after his death.
I guess there comes a time when you just have to accept things as they are and not wish for anything more. I guess im there now, and it makes it easier to deal with things. Many people's families whould visit them overseas once in 7 years. Many people's families continue to exchange gifts no matter how old everyone gets. Some families help either with money, investing, career planning, and connections. And Some families can put aside their differences to have a nice vacation celebration every so often.
Much to my shagrin, it appears that I am no longer from such a family.
But finally coming to the point where i can admit it, and not feel like it is my job to return the family back to the "glory days" of mom's thanksgiving dinners and grandad's farm, well it makes me feel better.
I think one of the more difficult things for black people and more specifically black men to deal with is losing a mother. In many black families, it is the woman who holds things together if not runs the family herself. I have seen this with my big sister who dealt with many men, but during time, made a place for her children. It doesnt matter that you dont get the present that you WANT but you get the present that you NEED.
I have had to deal with the opposite. After mom dying at 15, the little things stopped happening. "I dont believe in christmas so no christmas tree this year." "you didnt get me anything for my birthday so i why should i get you anything?" "I want you to pay rent to live here while you are looking for a place" "Ill sell you your first car." Happy birthday via email and phone calls and not by presents or birthday cards. Months at a time passing by without a call from your long remaining parent. Going back "home" and not wanting to be there. Hearing my father talk at length about other women but not a single phone call of the anniversery of her passing date.
I miss my mother mostly because she was home. When she was at home, it was home. I havent been back to the states in almost 3 years. in that time, ive been to Thailand and Vietnam. Its not that hard to travel. Now, there is no home for me except where i make it. The unfortunate part is that i have been trying so hard to fill in some of the gaps by sending the presents and making the phonecalls. By sending the cards and buying the presents when i go overseas. Little things that magically happened for us when we had a mother.
Its tough dealing with him without a mediator. Very very tough. Mainly because he is always right. But that is the joy of being a Pierce. Strong personalities, plenty of food to eat, strong religious convictions, and no money. Everyday the farm that my grandfather spend 40 + years working to own spends abandoned, the more i am ashamed of his immediate family. Im sure my grandfather didnt see the farm that was the center of all of our christmas meetings being abandoned after his death.
I guess there comes a time when you just have to accept things as they are and not wish for anything more. I guess im there now, and it makes it easier to deal with things. Many people's families whould visit them overseas once in 7 years. Many people's families continue to exchange gifts no matter how old everyone gets. Some families help either with money, investing, career planning, and connections. And Some families can put aside their differences to have a nice vacation celebration every so often.
Much to my shagrin, it appears that I am no longer from such a family.
But finally coming to the point where i can admit it, and not feel like it is my job to return the family back to the "glory days" of mom's thanksgiving dinners and grandad's farm, well it makes me feel better.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Hiatus
Yep, finally decided to return to my neglected blog.
For several reason i suppose. Being in japan, there are times when my computer is more life like than the world around me. What i have come to find is that most of the people here know their world is unreceptive and in need of change. But no one has the courage to step out and change it.
Its not my job to change asian society anyways, so i guess ill leave that to them.
What is happening in my life right now? I will go in order of importance.
I coach middle school basketball and this years team has potential to be very good. This is basically the instrument that helps me retain my sanity here. It is the one true joy that i have here. I must be connected with basketball to be happy (unless i meet some really amazing woman, or get a really amazing chance to teach/help unfortunate kids somewhere).
I teach (assist) middle school english. Hey, i feel its my duty to stick it out at times and show that there are people like me in America. That im not a hip hopping(not that anything is wrong with it, but all black men arent Jay Z and lil Wayne), dancing, womanizing people as one my believe from the selective black media that makes it here. Sure, people can say im black and my want to distance themselves from me socially, but they cant deny my command of their language. Besides, the kids are great. Even the "bad" kids where i teach arent really that bad. They are just trying to have as much fun as possible before the party is over and they are relegated to 70 hr work weeks.
I teach private lessons. I have this one really fun private where i teach quadruplites. 2 boys and 2 girls and boy is it fun/challenging dealing with 4 8yr old japanese kids all with distinct personalities. I also teach a lesson of older adults once a week, where i met a couple of my better friends, one of who invited me to go to vietnam with him (very fun trip it was).
I have a female friend. That is about as far as i will go with that. I realized, if i spend all of my time alone, ill go crazy, so for about 3/4 days a month i entertain her. I could get to reasons why i only call her a female friend but that is a rant for another day.
I study japanese...very very sparingly. I came thinking i wanted to perfect my japanese. Now, i realize that no matter how good i get at japanese, i will still be excluded from a large part of japan because my skin is dark. I also have grown tired of people not having the forethought to simply ask, "Is Japanese ok?" before blaring our random one and two word "phrases" pronouced with japanese phonetics leaving both of us confused. I will take the JLPT this year, see if i can get level 1.
So i guess with this new start to fall, i will get back on the horse and start blogging again.
Did i mention that fall was my favorite season? ;-)
For several reason i suppose. Being in japan, there are times when my computer is more life like than the world around me. What i have come to find is that most of the people here know their world is unreceptive and in need of change. But no one has the courage to step out and change it.
Its not my job to change asian society anyways, so i guess ill leave that to them.
What is happening in my life right now? I will go in order of importance.
I coach middle school basketball and this years team has potential to be very good. This is basically the instrument that helps me retain my sanity here. It is the one true joy that i have here. I must be connected with basketball to be happy (unless i meet some really amazing woman, or get a really amazing chance to teach/help unfortunate kids somewhere).
I teach (assist) middle school english. Hey, i feel its my duty to stick it out at times and show that there are people like me in America. That im not a hip hopping(not that anything is wrong with it, but all black men arent Jay Z and lil Wayne), dancing, womanizing people as one my believe from the selective black media that makes it here. Sure, people can say im black and my want to distance themselves from me socially, but they cant deny my command of their language. Besides, the kids are great. Even the "bad" kids where i teach arent really that bad. They are just trying to have as much fun as possible before the party is over and they are relegated to 70 hr work weeks.
I teach private lessons. I have this one really fun private where i teach quadruplites. 2 boys and 2 girls and boy is it fun/challenging dealing with 4 8yr old japanese kids all with distinct personalities. I also teach a lesson of older adults once a week, where i met a couple of my better friends, one of who invited me to go to vietnam with him (very fun trip it was).
I have a female friend. That is about as far as i will go with that. I realized, if i spend all of my time alone, ill go crazy, so for about 3/4 days a month i entertain her. I could get to reasons why i only call her a female friend but that is a rant for another day.
I study japanese...very very sparingly. I came thinking i wanted to perfect my japanese. Now, i realize that no matter how good i get at japanese, i will still be excluded from a large part of japan because my skin is dark. I also have grown tired of people not having the forethought to simply ask, "Is Japanese ok?" before blaring our random one and two word "phrases" pronouced with japanese phonetics leaving both of us confused. I will take the JLPT this year, see if i can get level 1.
So i guess with this new start to fall, i will get back on the horse and start blogging again.
Did i mention that fall was my favorite season? ;-)
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Only in America part 2
Atlanta turns off water at one of city’s largest homeless shelters
Atlanta to cut 222 jobs, close 22 rec centers
Its nice to know what is important these days.
We have unlimited money for citibank and the like but dont have a few hundred thousand for the poor or the kids.
Shame on all of us.
Atlanta to cut 222 jobs, close 22 rec centers
Its nice to know what is important these days.
We have unlimited money for citibank and the like but dont have a few hundred thousand for the poor or the kids.
Shame on all of us.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Only in America.
"When things got bad and then worse, guys like Quentin Richardson say, 'I don't consider him a teammate. He let his teammates out to dry.' He didn't care I was his teammate when I was banished. They left me out for dead. It's like we're in a foxhole and I'm facing the other way. If I got shot in the head, at least you want to get shot by the enemy. I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death."
This from a man who is making 21 million dollars THIS YEAR.
In a country in the midst of a recession, people losing their houses and life savings daily. People getting laid off like kids gettting kicked out of school, and you have this clown with not only the rights, but the gall to complain about making 21 million while doing nothing for it.
Unbelieveable.
How many forclosed homes could that money save? maybe 100? maybe more? Yet they go into the pocket of a guy who has the "promise" of playing basketball. I went to college "with" him, watching limos driving him around campus for a year and shuttle girls to hid dorm. I watched as he lost in the sweet sixteen in his only year in school. Since then its been potential potential potential, yet his teams dont win.
If the point guard is the pulse of the team, its no wonder he has been surgically removed from now his fourth team.
But even more important, how can you teach a kid about the merits of hard work when you have guys like this on sportcenter everynight.
Work hard like mom and dad, get laid off and have nothing, or be a brat with potential ability, sit on my ass and get paid.
I dont know what america was like in the 1950s but i surely know it was better than what america now.
Marbury, take your fucking ass to work.
This from a man who is making 21 million dollars THIS YEAR.
In a country in the midst of a recession, people losing their houses and life savings daily. People getting laid off like kids gettting kicked out of school, and you have this clown with not only the rights, but the gall to complain about making 21 million while doing nothing for it.
Unbelieveable.
How many forclosed homes could that money save? maybe 100? maybe more? Yet they go into the pocket of a guy who has the "promise" of playing basketball. I went to college "with" him, watching limos driving him around campus for a year and shuttle girls to hid dorm. I watched as he lost in the sweet sixteen in his only year in school. Since then its been potential potential potential, yet his teams dont win.
If the point guard is the pulse of the team, its no wonder he has been surgically removed from now his fourth team.
But even more important, how can you teach a kid about the merits of hard work when you have guys like this on sportcenter everynight.
Work hard like mom and dad, get laid off and have nothing, or be a brat with potential ability, sit on my ass and get paid.
I dont know what america was like in the 1950s but i surely know it was better than what america now.
Marbury, take your fucking ass to work.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
7th grade Kasuya gun champs.
...Just thought id let the world know that my 7th graders balled their asses off and won the tourney. The way i was given the trophy was a bit crappy, but hey, rival coaches arent supposed to be buddies, are they?
I imagine if i had made 100k dollars today for bought a new car, more people would give a shit.
Oh well, maybe that is why i cant tolerate shallow chics, my family doesnt bother calling for the "holidays", and i can count my real friends on one (maybe two) hands.
The problem with us is that it is easy to say that kids are important. To say that you put family first. To say that you love to give. But when it comes to the actual sacrifice, people just go back to their cars, concerts, tv shows, playstations, ipods, clothes, and bling. Maybe being born as a short black man of rather high intelligence and a desire to live out some of those lessons learned in sunday school, gives me a unique perspective.
People live in bubbles where they wont acknowledge a problem until it happens. Then it goes to who is at fault.
Hey, you can wake up one day at 400 pounds and decide that you need to overhaul your life, or you could just eat one more serving of raw veggies and one less serving of fried garbage today, then do it again tommorrow.
You can save 50 bucks a week. Spend and hour a week with a kid. Turn off your tv. Read a book. Meet someone different than you and try to be friends. Try something different. Do something you feel is beneath you. Attack your stereotypes.
Say hello to someone you dont know.
When people wake up in a year and find a world worse than the one they remember, they will wake up and say how did we get here.
They wont ask themselves why they themselves werent outraged at the Iraq war. They wont ask themselves why i look for the cheapest instead of researching where all that stuff in wal mart comes from. They wont ask themselves why I didnt eat dinner with my kids everyday before they ran off and did something rash. They wont ask why they didnt talk to the homeless man outside the store before he loses hope and robs it as a last resort.
Sometimes we cant look at the end problem and just put a band-aid on it. The band aid is the american way to fix everything. Obama cant create 25 million jobs in 4 years, at least not the kind of jobs that most americans want. We cant fix these superlarge problems with a bandaid. So what makes us think we can solve any problems with one.
How about sometimes with just do something for some other fucking reason than making a dollar off of it. Or at least make sure for every dollar we make, we are helping people improve the quality of their lives.
Im getting tired of watching people milk others of their faith in good for profit. Do it because its right.
If you do something to make the world better, there is a better chance that your kids can live in a world where they dont need a gun.
...now back to life.
I imagine if i had made 100k dollars today for bought a new car, more people would give a shit.
Oh well, maybe that is why i cant tolerate shallow chics, my family doesnt bother calling for the "holidays", and i can count my real friends on one (maybe two) hands.
The problem with us is that it is easy to say that kids are important. To say that you put family first. To say that you love to give. But when it comes to the actual sacrifice, people just go back to their cars, concerts, tv shows, playstations, ipods, clothes, and bling. Maybe being born as a short black man of rather high intelligence and a desire to live out some of those lessons learned in sunday school, gives me a unique perspective.
People live in bubbles where they wont acknowledge a problem until it happens. Then it goes to who is at fault.
Hey, you can wake up one day at 400 pounds and decide that you need to overhaul your life, or you could just eat one more serving of raw veggies and one less serving of fried garbage today, then do it again tommorrow.
You can save 50 bucks a week. Spend and hour a week with a kid. Turn off your tv. Read a book. Meet someone different than you and try to be friends. Try something different. Do something you feel is beneath you. Attack your stereotypes.
Say hello to someone you dont know.
When people wake up in a year and find a world worse than the one they remember, they will wake up and say how did we get here.
They wont ask themselves why they themselves werent outraged at the Iraq war. They wont ask themselves why i look for the cheapest instead of researching where all that stuff in wal mart comes from. They wont ask themselves why I didnt eat dinner with my kids everyday before they ran off and did something rash. They wont ask why they didnt talk to the homeless man outside the store before he loses hope and robs it as a last resort.
Sometimes we cant look at the end problem and just put a band-aid on it. The band aid is the american way to fix everything. Obama cant create 25 million jobs in 4 years, at least not the kind of jobs that most americans want. We cant fix these superlarge problems with a bandaid. So what makes us think we can solve any problems with one.
How about sometimes with just do something for some other fucking reason than making a dollar off of it. Or at least make sure for every dollar we make, we are helping people improve the quality of their lives.
Im getting tired of watching people milk others of their faith in good for profit. Do it because its right.
If you do something to make the world better, there is a better chance that your kids can live in a world where they dont need a gun.
...now back to life.
Monday, November 24, 2008
A tale of two students.
I understand why teachers (good ones) are willing to take such a small amount of money to do something that is more important to society than bankers manipulating stock prices for profit or polititions selling their values for money.
Lets start with a 15 year old girl named Murashima. She has for two year tried to win the Kasuya Gun english speech contest. This year, she won it. She doesnt strike you as the kind of girl that enjoys getting infront of people and speaking, but she does quietly have a strong work ethic. She understands that practice and listening along with making the most of the moment are all necessary characteristics in success. Her effort, along with my giving of about 4 hours a week after work for a month, led to her going from a shy 7th grader to a successful 8th grader. I am very happy for her.
Second, is the story of Nagamatsu. A young 7th grade boy who just moved to kasuya from Kagoshima. No friends, no way to connect to his surroundings in a new school except the desire to try and learn basketball (from the very very very beginning). The other 4 starters (all 7th graders) have played since elementary school, but he is a beginner. What he lacks in skill, he makes up for in hustle. He is a great example to the whole team that defense and rebounding is "want to". He earned the respect of his team mates in less than 3 months of playing basketball.
And the both of these kids earned my respect. It is so amazing seeing kids exhibit qualities that we as adults seem to forget sometimes. Hard work. Practice. Putting feelings and comfort levels to the side. Even realizing that its ok to do something different. These are all things that i am allowed to learn everyday...as a teacher and as a basketball coach.
B.T.W. I installed a 2nd offense DURING A GAME. Tell me kids dont learn quickly.
Lets start with a 15 year old girl named Murashima. She has for two year tried to win the Kasuya Gun english speech contest. This year, she won it. She doesnt strike you as the kind of girl that enjoys getting infront of people and speaking, but she does quietly have a strong work ethic. She understands that practice and listening along with making the most of the moment are all necessary characteristics in success. Her effort, along with my giving of about 4 hours a week after work for a month, led to her going from a shy 7th grader to a successful 8th grader. I am very happy for her.
Second, is the story of Nagamatsu. A young 7th grade boy who just moved to kasuya from Kagoshima. No friends, no way to connect to his surroundings in a new school except the desire to try and learn basketball (from the very very very beginning). The other 4 starters (all 7th graders) have played since elementary school, but he is a beginner. What he lacks in skill, he makes up for in hustle. He is a great example to the whole team that defense and rebounding is "want to". He earned the respect of his team mates in less than 3 months of playing basketball.
And the both of these kids earned my respect. It is so amazing seeing kids exhibit qualities that we as adults seem to forget sometimes. Hard work. Practice. Putting feelings and comfort levels to the side. Even realizing that its ok to do something different. These are all things that i am allowed to learn everyday...as a teacher and as a basketball coach.
B.T.W. I installed a 2nd offense DURING A GAME. Tell me kids dont learn quickly.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Palin hits the airwaves
So when she is about to be vice president, she has no time for the media. She loses and now she becomes a g*d d**n reality show.
The precise reason i have turned on my tv exactly twice since the election last week.
My goodness.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Greatest 5 rap collaborations ever
I wanted to make a list of the greatest rap collaborations of all time if for no other reason than to have links to them all in the same place.
One thing i truly miss about rap, songs where tons of different rappers get together to make one song, sharing bars.
5
4
3
2
1
One thing i truly miss about rap, songs where tons of different rappers get together to make one song, sharing bars.
5
4
3
2
1
Sunday, November 9, 2008
The matrix
I know there is a matrix.
I know it now. I am free to write what i feel in a "free" world, so I will write it.
I notice that many people are not in tune with the world around them. I think many people dont care to be in tune with the world around them.
It is great that we have a black (half white half kenyan) president. I hope he can fulfill his promises.
But that is a world very far away from the real worlds that most of us live in. It is a symbol of the progress that we must make happen in our own daily lives and in our ways of thinking.
I admit that i am not as progressive when it comes to gay rights as i could be. Prehaps i just need to meet a gay person to better explain to me the issues at stake.
But what is important is that we are willing to continue to challenge our views of things. We must be more able and willing today than yesterday to live outside of our own comfort zones.
The world is changing faster than people think that it is. In good ways and in bad ways. Yet many people believe that if they know little of the problems that plague africa, central asia, the carribean and so on, then those problems dont exist. They take refuge in watching garbage on fox and mtv. Blasting recycled, remixed, retooled, uncreative, uninspired music from their different yet matching ipods.
We elect a black president and think we have done something. The work STARTS now. We owe people. People we dont know and havent met yet. People who havent been born yet. People who havent waken up yet.
When a person can openly honestly admit that their live is primarily about becoming rich at any cost, their pursuit of wealth costs someone else. With so many in the pursuit of material wealth, many others are left to want. In america we learn that those without arent willing to work. What the real truth is, is that greed trumps all other feelings when dealing with people. It clouds the conscience.
Greed as in, i want to be rich. as in, my looks are the most important thing to me. As in, i want people to know that i am the best dresser and stay in style. As in, look at my car and my house and you can see how important i am.
I have said it before and will continue to say it. I hate materialism. It is a symbol of the failure of humanity. A scourge to humanity. A planet of human beings who have come to value something other than humanity the most. A planet of people who judge people on their culture, sex, skin color. A planet of people who classify themselves who by country they were born in, where their parents came from, what foods they eat and dont eat, what the name of their god is.
All of these things cloud people from thinking the most important thing; how does my listening to this ipod everyday help the human race as a whole? How does me buying the large house made of plastic from sweat shops in asia help the human race as a whole? How does me buy a 200 dollar button down shirt worth a wholesale price of less than 10 dollars help the human race as a whole?
Its like the high school student who procrastinates on his homework until he has so much that he cant catch up.
How long can we live super extravagent lifestyles at the cost of the rest of the world? How long before they get tired of it?
Worse yet, what kind of world would it be if everyone tried to live like americans?
There is the matrix. Thinking that a car a house, a six figure income, 3 weeks vacation, and an extended wardrobe is the culmination of life.
I hate to believe this, but i think soon, americans will get a more real experience about the things in life that are the MOST important. The people that choose to help them survive.
People are too slow at adapting to change. And if we dont get better at it, we will soon find that darwin theory applies to not only individual humans, but to all of human kind as well.
Money cant by protection from every thing.
I know it now. I am free to write what i feel in a "free" world, so I will write it.
I notice that many people are not in tune with the world around them. I think many people dont care to be in tune with the world around them.
It is great that we have a black (half white half kenyan) president. I hope he can fulfill his promises.
But that is a world very far away from the real worlds that most of us live in. It is a symbol of the progress that we must make happen in our own daily lives and in our ways of thinking.
I admit that i am not as progressive when it comes to gay rights as i could be. Prehaps i just need to meet a gay person to better explain to me the issues at stake.
But what is important is that we are willing to continue to challenge our views of things. We must be more able and willing today than yesterday to live outside of our own comfort zones.
The world is changing faster than people think that it is. In good ways and in bad ways. Yet many people believe that if they know little of the problems that plague africa, central asia, the carribean and so on, then those problems dont exist. They take refuge in watching garbage on fox and mtv. Blasting recycled, remixed, retooled, uncreative, uninspired music from their different yet matching ipods.
We elect a black president and think we have done something. The work STARTS now. We owe people. People we dont know and havent met yet. People who havent been born yet. People who havent waken up yet.
When a person can openly honestly admit that their live is primarily about becoming rich at any cost, their pursuit of wealth costs someone else. With so many in the pursuit of material wealth, many others are left to want. In america we learn that those without arent willing to work. What the real truth is, is that greed trumps all other feelings when dealing with people. It clouds the conscience.
Greed as in, i want to be rich. as in, my looks are the most important thing to me. As in, i want people to know that i am the best dresser and stay in style. As in, look at my car and my house and you can see how important i am.
I have said it before and will continue to say it. I hate materialism. It is a symbol of the failure of humanity. A scourge to humanity. A planet of human beings who have come to value something other than humanity the most. A planet of people who judge people on their culture, sex, skin color. A planet of people who classify themselves who by country they were born in, where their parents came from, what foods they eat and dont eat, what the name of their god is.
All of these things cloud people from thinking the most important thing; how does my listening to this ipod everyday help the human race as a whole? How does me buying the large house made of plastic from sweat shops in asia help the human race as a whole? How does me buy a 200 dollar button down shirt worth a wholesale price of less than 10 dollars help the human race as a whole?
Its like the high school student who procrastinates on his homework until he has so much that he cant catch up.
How long can we live super extravagent lifestyles at the cost of the rest of the world? How long before they get tired of it?
Worse yet, what kind of world would it be if everyone tried to live like americans?
There is the matrix. Thinking that a car a house, a six figure income, 3 weeks vacation, and an extended wardrobe is the culmination of life.
I hate to believe this, but i think soon, americans will get a more real experience about the things in life that are the MOST important. The people that choose to help them survive.
People are too slow at adapting to change. And if we dont get better at it, we will soon find that darwin theory applies to not only individual humans, but to all of human kind as well.
Money cant by protection from every thing.
I realize that my romantic views of l ove...
...are a bit outdated.
Since high school I have really had only one critera for the person that loves me...
love me for who I am and not what i am.
Here i am 16 years later single and not anywhere close to love.
I had a girl tell me that she used to love me, but she doesnt anymore (understandable). But when asked "When did she stop loving me?" She answers, "I cant remember, but I just dont love you now."
My first reaction to that is, Does she even know what love is? What it really means? One issue i have with japanese language/culture is that there is no really word for love.
The use 好き、ラブラブ、or 愛する。 But the first is a mix of like and love. Like I love chocolate and romantic movies love. The second is more like having a crush on someone. And the third one no one ever uses.
I am not really so disappointed about her not loving me as much as i am irritated at her saying that once she did. It feels like she is saying it to ease her own conscience. No matter.
What i am learning is that i can do now what i once thought i couldnt. Live without being loved.
Sure my family says they love me, then go a month without any communication. Sure a girl can say she loves black men so she wants to date me. Sure my kids will say "i love Monte", but i mean the kind of love that i grew up feeling. That mom taking the last bit of money in her pocket to buy my some shoes or sacrifice an hour or two to let me play ball at the park. The love that came for the pride she had signing my report card and promising me the dinner of my choice for straight A's.
That kind of love exists no more.
It was kinda difficult for me to get used to the idea that i would never find love as just a normal black man, being responsible and going to work daily. Not rich but with enough to be crafty and please a woman. I now see that this means little to the world of women chasing Brad Pitts, Micheal Jordans, and Will Smiths.
So after a few years of waiting and wishing, i realize that the lovethat my mother gave me was one of a kind. And I would find anyone to love me near that much again. And maybe it is this that give me an advantage in my career goals.
Maybe emotional attachment is weakness. It is very possible that is the case.
Should that be the case or not, the last 7 years of emotional solitude have made me stronger. At times i feel like a forgotten warrior. Knowing that no help will come for me and I alone most find my way.
So to anyone who has any disagreements with how i have chosen to live my life...
..Fuck off.
Shalom to everyone else.
Since high school I have really had only one critera for the person that loves me...
love me for who I am and not what i am.
Here i am 16 years later single and not anywhere close to love.
I had a girl tell me that she used to love me, but she doesnt anymore (understandable). But when asked "When did she stop loving me?" She answers, "I cant remember, but I just dont love you now."
My first reaction to that is, Does she even know what love is? What it really means? One issue i have with japanese language/culture is that there is no really word for love.
The use 好き、ラブラブ、or 愛する。 But the first is a mix of like and love. Like I love chocolate and romantic movies love. The second is more like having a crush on someone. And the third one no one ever uses.
I am not really so disappointed about her not loving me as much as i am irritated at her saying that once she did. It feels like she is saying it to ease her own conscience. No matter.
What i am learning is that i can do now what i once thought i couldnt. Live without being loved.
Sure my family says they love me, then go a month without any communication. Sure a girl can say she loves black men so she wants to date me. Sure my kids will say "i love Monte", but i mean the kind of love that i grew up feeling. That mom taking the last bit of money in her pocket to buy my some shoes or sacrifice an hour or two to let me play ball at the park. The love that came for the pride she had signing my report card and promising me the dinner of my choice for straight A's.
That kind of love exists no more.
It was kinda difficult for me to get used to the idea that i would never find love as just a normal black man, being responsible and going to work daily. Not rich but with enough to be crafty and please a woman. I now see that this means little to the world of women chasing Brad Pitts, Micheal Jordans, and Will Smiths.
So after a few years of waiting and wishing, i realize that the lovethat my mother gave me was one of a kind. And I would find anyone to love me near that much again. And maybe it is this that give me an advantage in my career goals.
Maybe emotional attachment is weakness. It is very possible that is the case.
Should that be the case or not, the last 7 years of emotional solitude have made me stronger. At times i feel like a forgotten warrior. Knowing that no help will come for me and I alone most find my way.
So to anyone who has any disagreements with how i have chosen to live my life...
..Fuck off.
Shalom to everyone else.
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