Dealing with Dad.

First, i will start this post off by saying that i dont hate my father. I care for him very much.

I think one of the more difficult things for black people and more specifically black men to deal with is losing a mother. In many black families, it is the woman who holds things together if not runs the family herself. I have seen this with my big sister who dealt with many men, but during time, made a place for her children. It doesnt matter that you dont get the present that you WANT but you get the present that you NEED.

I have had to deal with the opposite. After mom dying at 15, the little things stopped happening. "I dont believe in christmas so no christmas tree this year." "you didnt get me anything for my birthday so i why should i get you anything?" "I want you to pay rent to live here while you are looking for a place" "Ill sell you your first car." Happy birthday via email and phone calls and not by presents or birthday cards. Months at a time passing by without a call from your long remaining parent. Going back "home" and not wanting to be there. Hearing my father talk at length about other women but not a single phone call of the anniversery of her passing date.

I miss my mother mostly because she was home. When she was at home, it was home. I havent been back to the states in almost 3 years. in that time, ive been to Thailand and Vietnam. Its not that hard to travel. Now, there is no home for me except where i make it. The unfortunate part is that i have been trying so hard to fill in some of the gaps by sending the presents and making the phonecalls. By sending the cards and buying the presents when i go overseas. Little things that magically happened for us when we had a mother.

Its tough dealing with him without a mediator. Very very tough. Mainly because he is always right. But that is the joy of being a Pierce. Strong personalities, plenty of food to eat, strong religious convictions, and no money. Everyday the farm that my grandfather spend 40 + years working to own spends abandoned, the more i am ashamed of his immediate family. Im sure my grandfather didnt see the farm that was the center of all of our christmas meetings being abandoned after his death.

I guess there comes a time when you just have to accept things as they are and not wish for anything more. I guess im there now, and it makes it easier to deal with things. Many people's families whould visit them overseas once in 7 years. Many people's families continue to exchange gifts no matter how old everyone gets. Some families help either with money, investing, career planning, and connections. And Some families can put aside their differences to have a nice vacation celebration every so often.

Much to my shagrin, it appears that I am no longer from such a family.

But finally coming to the point where i can admit it, and not feel like it is my job to return the family back to the "glory days" of mom's thanksgiving dinners and grandad's farm, well it makes me feel better.