I realize that my romantic views of l ove...

...are a bit outdated.

Since high school I have really had only one critera for the person that loves me...

love me for who I am and not what i am.

Here i am 16 years later single and not anywhere close to love.

I had a girl tell me that she used to love me, but she doesnt anymore (understandable). But when asked "When did she stop loving me?" She answers, "I cant remember, but I just dont love you now."

My first reaction to that is, Does she even know what love is? What it really means? One issue i have with japanese language/culture is that there is no really word for love.

The use 好き、ラブラブ、or 愛する。 But the first is a mix of like and love. Like I love chocolate and romantic movies love. The second is more like having a crush on someone. And the third one no one ever uses.

I am not really so disappointed about her not loving me as much as i am irritated at her saying that once she did. It feels like she is saying it to ease her own conscience. No matter.

What i am learning is that i can do now what i once thought i couldnt. Live without being loved.

Sure my family says they love me, then go a month without any communication. Sure a girl can say she loves black men so she wants to date me. Sure my kids will say "i love Monte", but i mean the kind of love that i grew up feeling. That mom taking the last bit of money in her pocket to buy my some shoes or sacrifice an hour or two to let me play ball at the park. The love that came for the pride she had signing my report card and promising me the dinner of my choice for straight A's.

That kind of love exists no more.

It was kinda difficult for me to get used to the idea that i would never find love as just a normal black man, being responsible and going to work daily. Not rich but with enough to be crafty and please a woman. I now see that this means little to the world of women chasing Brad Pitts, Micheal Jordans, and Will Smiths.

So after a few years of waiting and wishing, i realize that the lovethat my mother gave me was one of a kind. And I would find anyone to love me near that much again. And maybe it is this that give me an advantage in my career goals.

Maybe emotional attachment is weakness. It is very possible that is the case.

Should that be the case or not, the last 7 years of emotional solitude have made me stronger. At times i feel like a forgotten warrior. Knowing that no help will come for me and I alone most find my way.

So to anyone who has any disagreements with how i have chosen to live my life...

..Fuck off.

Shalom to everyone else.