I have these days where...

...I look in the sky and wonder how in the hell did my brother, sisters and i lose our mother so damn early.

I have months where i dont get a single email or phonecall from anyone in my family.

THAT is a result of Jaine Mae Thomas Pierce not being here.

The hardest part is that i grew up thinking that family was much different. When i was young and went to the youth church retreats, i was confident and to a point, cocky in my pride of the family i came from. My grandfather with an elementary school education worked to own a 50 plus acre farm and pastor of the church that held the summer camp for all of the black church of gods in the state of georgia. My father, an engineer who still had time to coach baseball games. My mother, slight in stature and reserved in public had an aura about her that drew attention everywhere she went. She raised a daughter after marrying a man that caused the pregnancy under dubious, i may even say forceful, circumstances. The marriage lasted less than 2 years as she left in the early seventies as a single black mother with a young daughter. She met my father and the rest is history.

But when i think of her, the strength she had, how she held our nuclear family together, I can now see how much we really lost. With her, we lost christmas. We lost sunday dinner. We lost "home". That home became just another house. That makes it all the more difficult for me to retain my emotional health on the bad days. I should have had more than 15 years. My brother should have had more than 6. He can never know what a real christmas is like. Its not about money, never has been. It is about family, the love that comes together when a healthy family celebrates life.

The reason we should respect women is simple. Without them, there is no us. Misogony and Male supremecy have come to be known as "Manly". Thoughtfulness and reservedness are seen as "weak" or "soft". Im cool with those labels if people are willing to admit that civilization hasnt moved forward any since ancient rome. It is still hard for me to use the "B" word for one reason, my mother.

The hardest part of me adjusting to this "so called" adult life, is that the outside accounts for 99% of what adult social life is. What car, What clothes, What hairstyle, What jewlry, weight, height, social circles, eye color.

How can i fit into a world where people care so little about who the people are that they spend their lives with. A world where its ok to steal from your neighbor so that you can be rich. Why should i want to black children in a world where as many as 15% of white americans are voting in the election simply because one candidate is black.

As i remember my mother, and keeping a spirit of generousity that both she and the father of my youth taught me, im glad that she doesnt have to live in this dog eat dog world. She doesnt have to see how much uglier humanity continues to become. She wont have to live through the basic breakdown of social order that is soon to come to America when enought people become desperate enough to do what they must to survive. Of course if she were here, im certain that my prioities in life would me much much more selfish.

But since she isnt, a new, different montrell, more interested in change than money was born.


Yet after 17 years, i miss her more today than ever. A song dedicated to her and all of the women that struggled to ensure my existance. (and one of my favorite rap songs ever)