The last thing I want.

Not that i expect to die soon, but there are some points I want to make about the people that give eulogies at my funeral (and yes we all will have one).

If you cant send me a letter or email within a year or 2's time, dont stand up in front of people and front like we were close. It takes all of 80 cents to mail a letter to japan from america. I know who has taken the time to send me letters and/or cards and it is a surprisingly small number.

I dont want people going crazy, crying, carrying on and such when they couldnt take 1 minute a year and send me a birthday or christmas card. Now there are certainly people exempt from this because they were caring enough to send me cards. I appreciate them for that. But i cant stand the idea of people that havent contacted me in months or years to be at my funeral crying like we talked everyday.

Dont front. I remember during the 80s that was a popular saying. Dont pretend to be something you arent. Stop frontin. Frontin would be people that cant bother to ask for my address in japan to send a christmas card crying and going crazy like they cared. Thats bunk. Seriously. People show what they believe and think by what they DO and not what they SAY. Talk is cheap(See Rush Limbaugh). People that believe in Christianty for real, do what they read. People that front are asking for forgiveness everyday because they continue to do what they know they shouldnt.

I hope when im laying in my casket (or on a prye before being creamated which i prefer) someone reads this.

I have seen so many contradictions. Too many to name. Im not even trying to pretend im perfect, because i am far from it. But looking around me, its the same contradictions over and over. People love to use the word "Love", but how can you know you love someone that you knew less than a year? Why is it that love must come in a certain package, i.e. handsome, tall, relatively wealthy, and whatnot? Why is it that "Love" so often lasts for about 10 years or less then results in a divorce? Why is it "Love" until someone gets laid off.

I miss substance. The age when everything wasnt made of plastic. Plastic is the best example of how the human being has "evolved". It is a compound originating from oil, something of substance, and created into, everything. Computer shells, shirts, houses, whatever. We as humans have found extravegant, ornate ways of taking something of actual value and filling stores with a cheap derivative of it. Wal mart, a store full of chinese made plastic (more or less). The point of my rant is, how long does a plastic...anything last? We buy it, use it until it breaks, then chuck it.

As humans, we have become that kind of species. The emphasis isnt on value anymore. Its on appearence and convienience. We dont want to pay people a good solid wage to make the things we need to live. We dont even care about those people or their living conditions. We only want the convienence of a low price and the appereance/color we choose.

So it is of no surprise that i dont want a bunch of crying and such at a funeral full of people that i havent communicated with in more than 5 years. A room full of people who never considered visiting me overseas (props to my sisters and brother for showing the desire yet constricted by funds). Im here right now. Checking my email everyday. Opening my mailbox everyday. Send me a couple letters or emails, then we can chat a little on the phone. I hate phone calls out of the blue.

You want to try, go old school and send me a letter(email). Sit down, take 10 minutes and devote it to what you want to say to me. You dont have time to do that, you dont have time for me.

And Im gone.

In need of a change.

I guess now i can admit several things to myself. Number one, i havent been in love in almost 3/4 years. Number two, its time to stop checking my email waiting for someone in my family to email me. Number three, it time to stop expecting anything more than a token phone call for my birthday or Christmas.

I can pretend to be happy, but at the core of my unhappiness or should i restate, my dissatisfaction with those who are supposedly "closest to me" is the fact that i havent fitted in anywhere in a very long time. When my family worked properly, i.e. birthday, thanksgiving, christmas gatherings; christmas cards, sunday stuff, it was very easy to feel part of a family that gave me confidence to go out in the world and do my thing. When I was young, my thing was the books, studying. I certainly regard myself as a very intelligent individual. But when i fought my way to a 3.5 gpa after my first year at Georgia Tech, and coming home badly in need of money, my father basically told me get a job, and ill sell you a car. My supposedly successful father telling me this made a very deep impression on me less than 3 years after the passing of a mother who i know would have reacted in the EXACT opposite manner to such news.

Needless to say, my demeaner and approach to life and family changed. Very slowly, it began to seem that people only associated with me only to get things out of me. Not always the case, but outside of my brothers/sisters/cousins and grandmother, it was overwhelingly the case with family. Helping my uncle with his meat business for 2 months and getting about 200 or so bucks for it. Helping my aunt with church programs and getting gas money out of it. And of course, anything having to do with my father the last 15 years, at the center of it was him demanding money from me.

My problem is that i havent truely felt that someone truely cared about me and my best self interests in many many years. With kids, it always legit. Kids are upfront about what they want, and show appreciation even when they dont say it. They are honest. And they know when someone cares for them. We as adults owe it to kids to show them that all that stuff we teach them isnt bullshit. That its not the outside but the inside that matters. That hard work pays off before nepotism. That we owe more to the world than just looking out for ourselves and our "group".

Yet with adults, its much different. Kids dont really understand much about how money affects people except that they need it to live. But with adults, some of us become absorbed by our preceived self importance because we are richer, taller, better looking, more famous, better educated or lighter skinned. Even family. But we still lie to kids about things that we dont do ourselves.

I am defintely in need of something. I need to be reminded that people want to be around me for more than just what i can do for them. I need to still believe that love in its true innocence is still possible and still exsits.

I hate that my skeptism is so right so often. That my company can so willingly break the law to save a few bucks and smile and lie to me to my face. That adults place status on things other than willingness to work to better ourselves and the world around us. That people place money above people. That people act in social groups based on whatever, and live most of their private lives in these small social groups.

I think i just need to fall in love again. or maybe i just need someone to send me a thoughtful letter. or maybe i always get like this around the anniversary of my mother dying. maybe i could have used a birthday/christmas present of some kind from someone "close" to me the last 4/5 years. Whatever the case, maybe socially, i am not the person that is willing to walk into the room and start joking to make everyone laugh and like me. Maybe im not the person that can rattle off lyrics to the most popular songs. Maybe im not the person that has the most friends or the newest clothes. But dont want to be any of those things. Being liked by a lot of people has not been my aim for a long time.

I dont want to be popular if it means being compromising core beliefs about people and the world around us. I dont want alot of friends if it means that i must turn my nose up at people not like me because of any reason outside of their desire to better themselves and the world. I really just want to be myself and be loved for it. I guess that is what everyone wants, even if some of us dont have it.

Im not even sure how i became this person. Maybe its seven years in asia without even a hint of anyone wanting to visit. Maybe its having my heart broken a couple times. Maybe its all of the family structure and organizations of my youth being built on a crumbling sand foundation. Maybe its that after 33 years, i have yet to find a place via family, socially, or emotionally/romantically. Maybe i was just born in the wrong time. or Maybe i just a guy who is here for a purpose that is different than just making alot of money, making alot of friends, and finding romantic love. Maybe my lot is different than most because of the path I chose to travel.

I will not lie when i say that i feel there is a higher purpose to why i do some of the things that i do. Why have i coached basketball to japanese kids for 3 years for free? Why have i stayed in japan over going back "home"? Why i am so irritated by the world i see around me? Why i am more interested in politics and social issues than the average person? Why i dont subscribe to a major religion?

Maybe my greatest dissatisfaction is that as techonology evolves and we call ourselves becoming more "advanced"; our relations between other people is moving the opposite way. In america, the rich are using to government to steal from the poor. In asia, people place continue to place disproportionate value on skin color. In the middle east, poor palestinians are being killed off like america did native americans.

Maybe my dissatisfaction is a result of me seeing how people are and knowing that as long as people continue to live lives worried about hair length, account balances, social status, skin color, ipod verson, car make, and reality shows; we as a human race are in for great calamity, and in the not too distant future.

But hey, who am I? im just a nobody. Just my thoughts on what i see.

And i know this for a fact. The absolute most destructive emotion for a human being to have is not hate. Hate still means you care about something, and even allows a chance to change a persons heart.

But it isnt hate i see in people. It is apathy. Apathy to changing myself and the world around me, apathy to the wars that scurge this planet. Apathy to age old things methods about race. Apathy to current events. Apathy to intercultural relations. Apathy to those people that are outside of my "group". Apathy to things that dont directly concern you on a daily basis. Apathy to changing my views on how i view people different than me.

And it is this apathy that alarms me the most.

The kid.

I coach a kid that reminds me of how i would have been if didnt have a strong father.

Dealing with my dad is difficult, granted. but growing up with that helped me understand how to be a man. See, a real man can use someone to lean on at times, but he doesnt need someone to lean on all the time. A man can make his decisions and live with them. He can be content with the idea that he can make his own choices, and the people around him can suck lemons if they dont agree.

The kid is blessed with raw talent. He makes incredible plays. But he wants attention so much that he makes plays based on that and not solid basketball decision making. The only way to deal with it is tough love. I know that i am not the poster child(man) for tough love. I am generally mild tempered if not jovial with kids. I disipline kids from time to time outside of basketball practice, but never in a loud, repremanding tone.

The basketball situation is different. I sense myself changing into a real coach. I use strategy against other coaches, in motivating my players and even in motivating myself. I used the whole summer to develop talent, handling, shooting. In our first "exhibition" game, we played the champs from last year and got beat up pretty good. My best player had his finger broken (goodness knows how...but knowing how some other coaches feel about being beaten by a black coach, i can imagine), another twisted an ankle in a 16 min, 2 quarter game. I certainly understand the intensity, dont get me wrong. But on the middle school level, the hard fouls was a bit more than i expected first game of the season. Nevertheless, i deliberately did little game prep for this game. I only had the returning starters practice as normal without implementing any strategy before or during the game. I made sure that no one saw me call out one single play.

Im good at basketball strategy. Mainly because i teach my kids to think on the court so they can solve problems together on the court. That is where the basketball around me is failing. The kids are obeying the coaches direct orders. So its basically get it to the big man or jack up a 3. There are times for that, but i am teaching kids how to beat someone off the dribble. I am teaching kids to play in high school. How to get into the paint and make split second decisions. How to read your man by his feet and back posture. How to see the whole court. So yes, we did take some lumps in not preparing as hard as we could for the seeding games. now comes the games that matter. On Oct 17, we will be ready.

The real problem is the me attitude. I am certain that american coaches deal with this. but in america, we also know to ride a hot hand. We know that if someone is hot and we take a shot and miss, it could get you yanked. I am in the process of teaching that now. It isnt that only one person wins. The whole team wins. So if one guy gets 47 pts and the offense is working properly, then there is a chance that someone has 23 assists. There were 23 good screens set for the one player. But when players have a me first attitude, they only see when the crowd is clapping for them and not the team.

So back to the kid. He is in a tough situation because, well, its not much unlike inner city black kids living with just one parent. quite similar actually. But as the youngest, he is attention starved and it makes for an unruly kid at times. He can be a happy and jovial as the next kid one day and barely say a word the next. He believes the weight of the world is on his shoulders, and i can identify with it. He is teaching me. There are times i get so mad at him i cant see straight, and times when i cant help but laugh. But i need to teach him life lessons; lessons that i learned.

That you are your own P.R. agent. That you dont have to be best friends with people to work together. That we should always remain open minded. That we should be modest at times. And most importantly, we must put our best foot forward when we are engaged in an endeavor.

I am not afraid to bench any player on the team for not doing what i say. And i feel secure enough in my position to not suffer any serious flack for it. But in order to reach our goal this year, we need everyone to get on the same page.

I need to make sure that happens in the next two weeks.

And i love doing it with all of my heart.

Bills bills bills.

It really sucks that each month all of my bills are due on the 25th and payday is on the 30th.

I mean really. Come on. pay us 10 days earlier like the rest of japan. So with this being the last 7.5 man backpayment on Kokumin hoken, yes, i am broke at the end of the month. Not to mention that i must pay my fat tax bill at the end of october along with my 2.4 man kokumin hoken bill. Ouch.

Living in Japan is expensive. but i do have legit healthcare, even though i dont have a "full time"job, as my current "part time" job is in its fourth year.

Sure is something, what greed does to people. It is so evil. We all know right and wrong. We also know legal and illegal. So when your job is to protect a process that is both wrong and illegal, how can you live with it? It has to change a part of you into trying to find any explination to validate your existance.

If my job were to find ways to pay hard working people less and rip them out of their paychecks, how could i get used to it? Im not sure i could.

Oh well, i am still surviving. Ill be ok...

...but the longer people do things like this and can get away with it, the more they can convince themselves that their actions are not as bad as they seem.

The ends do NOT justify the means.

Motivation...

...where is mine?

Im getting to a point in life where i dont want to study japanese anymore. I mean, i know there is a lot i need to still learn, but it seems like now is good enough. I gotta find some motivation to study for 1kyu.

Id much rather be coaching basketball. It truely is my passion. The shoulds have turned into coulds.

I should read the japanese paper today turned into I "could" read the japanese paper. I should crack open my JLPT books turned into I could. No matter, ill just keep plugging away at the coaching and let my japanese continue to come to me naturally.

What i really need is to be in a class surrounded by people pushing to learn japanese. But most people here 1) have a girl that speaks english already 2) dont have interest in learning or 3) are learning for different reasons. But im used to it i guess. I kinda lament being around foreigners alot here mainly because our language all but separates us from our surroundings. If a group of germans go to america and only use german, they will naturally separate themselves from their environment. Here, the only real difference is that everyone is just dying for a chance to use their english, so you usually attract the people that want to practice english and repell the normal people here who are interested in other things.

Its not biggie for me anyways. I have my spots to go for my fill of being surrounded by japanese people. What would be cooler is if i have 2 or 3 fluent foreign friends that were down to hang out and demand the conversation be in japanese. But you know, its what it is.

That Shinjinsen is coming. I am excited and I am a bit worried. Im having to temper the kids arrogance and overconfidence with making my persona meaner. Im not really a mean person, but i have to do it. I have to transition from the nice friendly guy that let them play 5 on 5 all summer into the guy that is getting them ready to win. This sunday win.

Maybe the hardest thing to teach kids is that they need to listen and observe. It is what makes Chris Paul the best point guard on the planet. He can see everything, and pays attention to everything. There is an old saying that goes something like only stupid people think they know everything. It is true. There is so much to learn. So much.

so i guess it leads me back to my lack of desire to learn japanese. I guess it means i need to find a new something to pour my interest into.

I wonder what it will turn out to be.

You cant save the world.

A big part of my adjustment from being a boy growing into a man has been my change of being less idealist and more realist.

I have always been an idealist. It has always bothered me when i see things that are wrong, bothered to the point of wanting to fix it. Be it giving a homeless man a couple bucks, give a ride to someone, being a listening ear, sometimes even sacrificing time.

As i have gotten older, i see that people take advantage of people that are giving. Its not a good thing, but it is the truth. Look around any you can always see it. People looking to take advantage of other's generosity. At some point, the generous person has to look at the situation and say, "I am willing to be generous until X point."

Being idealistic has made several things much more difficult. Dating women particularly. Women are won with the exterior, with the flash. Even when they dont admit that they favor the tall, flamboyant, cocky type over the practical, modest type; their actions suggest that they do. How many women married that guy they though was hot from high school or college and are now miserable? In my idealism, I have always just wanted a girl to like me before i start spending the money. As i am single and 33, its pretty obvious that that doesnt work.

The other difficult part about the transition is that the bible is idealistic and most people i know say they are strict adherants to the virtues taught in the book. But what people say and what they do in reality are quite different. Blessed are the peacemakers. How? In America? How? Difficult for a rich man to get into heaven? if so, why do all americans want to be rich? Do unto others?

That is the idealism that i have had to deal with in my head as i watch reality all around me. In reality, the Christian prays and asks for forgiveness. This is much easier than to repremand oneself from doing with one knows they shouldnt before they do it.

I fear if i try to lead an idealistic life much longer, i will go insane. Seriously. It just doesnt fit. The real world and idealism. Because in the end, people just bend their logic to fit their needs; just as I am doing. So ill rewrite some of the rules that i have until now strictly denied myself.

1) Choose two or three positive things to do that will give back to society; the rest of the time be a bit selfish.

2) Dont put anyone, ANYONE above getting angry at. Just because of someone's position is no reason to believe they are above getting angry at.

3) Ignore some things you dont want to hear or dont have time for. We owe ourselves first, then our kids, and everyone else can wait.

4) Sometimes its ok to use people, just do your best not to mislead them. Tell them that they cant have what they want out of you, and if they still want to be around you, that is on them.

5) Dont worry about what someone you barely know or may never see again will think about you or your race. Someone wants to think all black people are a certain way because of how i am can think it. Its not my job to always represent my race.

6) Keep the people that are good for you in your life and push away those that are not. You dont have to take crap off of people because of who they are. We all have the ability to say yes or no to a phonecall/email/snail mail. besides, life is too short.

7) Modesty is good sometimes, but sometimes is better to just get yours. Sometimes modesty means that the fat woman at the table gets the T bone steak and you get the chopped steak.

8) Dont take crap off of people that dont give you money, help, or a chance at success. If they arent helping you in any way, there is no reason to take their crap. If they are helping you and you need the money, do what you gotta. The day you dont need them, dont take crap from them. It is the decision of the giver to give each time they do. That is what loans are for.

9) Do what you want to do. Not everyday, not all the time, but some times. Even if you do it alone, it doesnt matter.

10) Be your own best friend. Im good at this one. The need for having good friends is overrated at best. If you are happy being with yourself then it doesnt really matter how many friends you have. because in reality people that have 100's of friends really only have a few that are down for them in the hardest of times. Which probably isnt much different from the person with few friends.

Living my life this way makes it much easier to deal with things. I just hope when i leave this planet, the good i have done doubles or even triples the bad.

Then i would consider my life a success.

Dealing with Dad.

First, i will start this post off by saying that i dont hate my father. I care for him very much.

I think one of the more difficult things for black people and more specifically black men to deal with is losing a mother. In many black families, it is the woman who holds things together if not runs the family herself. I have seen this with my big sister who dealt with many men, but during time, made a place for her children. It doesnt matter that you dont get the present that you WANT but you get the present that you NEED.

I have had to deal with the opposite. After mom dying at 15, the little things stopped happening. "I dont believe in christmas so no christmas tree this year." "you didnt get me anything for my birthday so i why should i get you anything?" "I want you to pay rent to live here while you are looking for a place" "Ill sell you your first car." Happy birthday via email and phone calls and not by presents or birthday cards. Months at a time passing by without a call from your long remaining parent. Going back "home" and not wanting to be there. Hearing my father talk at length about other women but not a single phone call of the anniversery of her passing date.

I miss my mother mostly because she was home. When she was at home, it was home. I havent been back to the states in almost 3 years. in that time, ive been to Thailand and Vietnam. Its not that hard to travel. Now, there is no home for me except where i make it. The unfortunate part is that i have been trying so hard to fill in some of the gaps by sending the presents and making the phonecalls. By sending the cards and buying the presents when i go overseas. Little things that magically happened for us when we had a mother.

Its tough dealing with him without a mediator. Very very tough. Mainly because he is always right. But that is the joy of being a Pierce. Strong personalities, plenty of food to eat, strong religious convictions, and no money. Everyday the farm that my grandfather spend 40 + years working to own spends abandoned, the more i am ashamed of his immediate family. Im sure my grandfather didnt see the farm that was the center of all of our christmas meetings being abandoned after his death.

I guess there comes a time when you just have to accept things as they are and not wish for anything more. I guess im there now, and it makes it easier to deal with things. Many people's families whould visit them overseas once in 7 years. Many people's families continue to exchange gifts no matter how old everyone gets. Some families help either with money, investing, career planning, and connections. And Some families can put aside their differences to have a nice vacation celebration every so often.

Much to my shagrin, it appears that I am no longer from such a family.

But finally coming to the point where i can admit it, and not feel like it is my job to return the family back to the "glory days" of mom's thanksgiving dinners and grandad's farm, well it makes me feel better.