Solitude.

Id have to say, for the greater part of my time in Japan, i had great difficulty adjusting to the sheer amount of time i spent alone. Sundays in particular were relatively lonely days as no work, no basketball practice and that most people use that day for family. Now that i have had more time, i am not only getting to where i can handle the time alone, but i am starting to enjoy it...without alcohol.

I admit, i have my issues with alcohol. I have my mental battles. Im sure im not the only one, nor do i feel like a victim. But i also noticed that no one really took the time to notice my difficulty and that of course sent be into further solitude. Now that i have had a chance to get to where i enjoy the solitude, i find it hard to go the other way. I can be around people and enjoy myself, but more and more i find that after about an hour or so of it, i want to go back to being alone.

I dont see anything wrong with it either. Its all about the path that we walk. If i had some from a very strong loving, interconnected family, i would be more needy of the connections that family brings. Instead, i come from a family they is "connected by the family title". What that really means is that in my family, it is very easy for people to go a month without talking to a certain family member. Im not saying that is good or bad, it just is the case. Even moreso, it is hard to go back to being a super close interconnected family after years of such a situation.

In other words, my adjustment to enjoying solitude has been a necessary evolution for me. You must adapt to survive. I have adapted and i like the way i have adapted. i dont like the idea of being fake to have many people like me. I by nature am grumpy about alot of things. First of which, life without my mother being here for the holidays. about being short. about how people deal with me and my blackness. About the rarety of communication from family. about the country my home is becoming. about the garbage that surrounds us on tv and on the radio. about the lies i read in the news on a daily basis. about people not caring about things bigger than trivial garbage like fashion, music, tv shows and blackberries. about people turning on president Obama after a year. The list is long.

Im just a person who doesnt want to have to hide my dissatisfaction. I want to be free to express my displeasure at people hating on Pres. Obama, even if it costs me "friendship". My freedom to express my opinion is much more important to me than is having friends call me all day all week asking me to do stuff. And so i spend time in solitude...

...working on how i should think about myself, about people, about the world. Thinking about what i can do. How i can control my feelings.

I assure everyone, i was not alone in creating this "monster". It took years of struggling alone without help. It took many moments of private sadness. It took people walking away from me when i needed them most. It took heartbreak and repeated rejection.

So now at 33, what happens? I really like the person i have become. Very guarded. Very aware. Very caring. Less sensitive of how people think about or view me. Very independent. and mostly, very comfortable with who i am.

Time in Japan has be a great teacher for me. I was like a gullable, naive catepillar coming here and i have opened up into a "butterfly" very secure in who he is, what he chooses to do, and how much (or little) he wants from grown people.

I feel it is my mission in life to teach children that they should not be LIKE the adults they know, but be BETTER more complete adults. Adults that tell the truth, that dont cheat on their mates,that are considerate of others, that judge by character and not height or skin color, that arent bullies, that believe hard work and not cunning is the way to success, that even the down and out deserve sympathy and understanding...because goodness knows, these are not things they learn from watching the adults running the world now.